STREET SOCIETY:

So just what went on beneath all them skimpy thong bikinis this week? A little sand, random bottle caps, a little mixed pubic hair? You think I can't still call the shots like I see 'em? I never one time in my whole life saw such wet-shorted, tan-tittied, maxed-credit-card mayhem back on the farm, or even on the Jersey shore for that matter. No, with the energy y'all spent oiling up, ordering up, and throwing back what you hooked up, you could power some smaller townships for centuries to come. So just what went on beneath all them skimpy thong bikinis this week? A little sand, random bottle caps, a little mixed pubic hair? You think I can't still call the shots like I see 'em? I never one time in my whole life saw such wet-shorted, tan-tittied, maxed-credit-card mayhem back on the farm, or even on the Jersey shore for that matter. No, with the energy y'all spent oiling up, ordering up, and throwing back what you hooked up, you could power some smaller townships for centuries to come. FOUR ON THE FLOOR: Freshman Joshua Goldman was happier than a bull with its schlong stuck in a milking machine when, while leading one faux-tropical beauty back to his Cancun base pad, he and his thang-to-be stumbled across two mutual female friends. These two just happened to be nude, drunk, and eager for a slide in the Mexican Hot Sauce. The foursome decided to try the combination platter, making Goldman the first newmaking member of the underdeveloped frat newcomer Pi Kappa Phi.So just what went on beneath all them skimpy thong bikinis this week? A little sand, random bottle caps, a little mixed pubic hair? You think I can't still call the shots like I see 'em? I never one time in my whole life saw such wet-shorted, tan-tittied, maxed-credit-card mayhem back on the farm, or even on the Jersey shore for that matter. No, with the energy y'all spent oiling up, ordering up, and throwing back what you hooked up, you could power some smaller townships for centuries to come. FOUR ON THE FLOOR: Freshman Joshua Goldman was happier than a bull with its schlong stuck in a milking machine when, while leading one faux-tropical beauty back to his Cancun base pad, he and his thang-to-be stumbled across two mutual female friends. These two just happened to be nude, drunk, and eager for a slide in the Mexican Hot Sauce. The foursome decided to try the combination platter, making Goldman the first newmaking member of the underdeveloped frat newcomer Pi Kappa Phi.LOVE AT FIRST SHIT:After sucking back more than a few drinks during a sojourn in Key West, keen-eyed DU sophomore Joe Parisi felt an itchin' in his harpoon and began flirting with a Chick of the Sea. At her behest, they headed back to the slightly-curtained toilet. Expecting some buried treasure, Parisi was surprised when the mermaid daintily dropped her lycra and proceeded to squeeze out a few driftwood logs, of a sort. Keeping with the excretory mood, our salty dog asked for a little assistance emptying his ballast tank. His new-found friend hastily wiped herself and took his helm in hand, and turned on his bilge pump. Life is mysterious, very mysterious.So just what went on beneath all them skimpy thong bikinis this week? A little sand, random bottle caps, a little mixed pubic hair? You think I can't still call the shots like I see 'em? I never one time in my whole life saw such wet-shorted, tan-tittied, maxed-credit-card mayhem back on the farm, or even on the Jersey shore for that matter. No, with the energy y'all spent oiling up, ordering up, and throwing back what you hooked up, you could power some smaller townships for centuries to come. FOUR ON THE FLOOR: Freshman Joshua Goldman was happier than a bull with its schlong stuck in a milking machine when, while leading one faux-tropical beauty back to his Cancun base pad, he and his thang-to-be stumbled across two mutual female friends. These two just happened to be nude, drunk, and eager for a slide in the Mexican Hot Sauce. The foursome decided to try the combination platter, making Goldman the first newmaking member of the underdeveloped frat newcomer Pi Kappa Phi.LOVE AT FIRST SHIT:After sucking back more than a few drinks during a sojourn in Key West, keen-eyed DU sophomore Joe Parisi felt an itchin' in his harpoon and began flirting with a Chick of the Sea. At her behest, they headed back to the slightly-curtained toilet. Expecting some buried treasure, Parisi was surprised when the mermaid daintily dropped her lycra and proceeded to squeeze out a few driftwood logs, of a sort. Keeping with the excretory mood, our salty dog asked for a little assistance emptying his ballast tank. His new-found friend hastily wiped herself and took his helm in hand, and turned on his bilge pump. Life is mysterious, very mysterious.HYPOCRISY IS THE GREATEST LUXURY: Selective philanthropist and SDT junior Jessica Pollock took a firm stance in the fight against cancer, buying a ticket to the annual Cancer Ball. But the intermittently thoughtful aspiring C. Everett Koop, when admonished for lighting up, responded with "I'm here to stop breast cancer, not lung cancer." Well, so long as you have your priorities straight.DAZED AND REMOVED: By the way, AE-Fly's Jon Hoffman was kicked out of his Spring Break hotel room for smoking weed. Ain't he cool? ORANGE CRUSHED: Everyone's favorite Argentinian Jew, Sig Ep's Emiliano Calemzuk, thought he had it made. It was Spring Break, the sun was shining, and he was ready to drink some overpriced Jimmy Buffett margaritas. But he was quickly nabbed by the cops for possessing, as they say, "false identification punishable by the Penal Code of the State of Florida." Calemzuk obtained the privelege of dressing in the ever chic orange penitentiary jump suit and pick up trash around town for a full day. LESS IS MORE: AChiO senior Nita Dang felt the heat of competition during a high tension wet t-shirt contest. As our dear Nita feared a loss to the, um, heftier Marisa Weiss entering the final round of the "ladies event," her competition tore off her own spindly halter top and shoved her breasts into the unwitting face of a female bystander. Even the cheap-thrill audience was shocked, and the less-than-D-cup Nita was awarded the prize by default. A GENTLEMAN(?) FROM VERONA: You'd think the typically erudite Penn student could function in most situations. Not SAM Brian Verona, who ventured to Jamaica's Hedonism resort and its nearby nude beach. The thrill actual naked people nearby was little too much, and he soon became embarrassed by the constant throbbing in his loins. So, in an effort to ease the constantly re-emerging problem, Verona demurely took matters into his own hands, and quickly softened up. LESS THAN ZEROES: Yes, yes, we all know that cocaine has re-emerged as the oh-so-elite narcotic of choice amongst Penn's finest with hefty discretionary incomes. But for those three black-booted gentlemen who emerged from the Palladium bathroom earlier this week, please show a little bit of class when doing it. All names are anagrams to conceal the ugly truth.