COLUMN: The Closet and Me: Several Degrees of Separation

From Stephen Houghton's "Ecce Queer," Spring '94 From Stephen Houghton's "Ecce Queer," Spring '94Not today and not tomorrow, but the next day, spring break begins. Whoopee. Being financially-impaired, I will be sojourning to the exotic suburbs of Philadelphia. Family time. Going home during break is typical, and that's fine with me. I like hanging out with my parents. However, this time will be a tad different. All of the time and energy I hoped to spend sleeping and finishing incompletes will be put towards a gut-wrenching coming out process. Did I forget to mention that I am not out to my parents? Well, I am out to Mom, just not Dad. That was until recently. A friend of the family, a University alum, I dare say, called a closer friend of my father's to ask, "Is that the same Stephen, your son, who writes THAT column in the school paper?" I was outed via The Weekly Pennsylvanian. I have not spoken to my father yet. I do not know if he has read any of my columns. I have no idea what his reaction will be. He is a minister, evangelical and fundamentalist -- I can only guess. I am sure that this will be the most trying episode in our relationship. I do know that he makes certain assumptions and associations. I do know his thoughts on non-heterosexuality, as well as on radical politics. I am an activist, queer and unashamed -- he can only guess. Great. The brighter side of this situation is the fact it has begun. I have longed for the day when I could discuss this with my family. I just expected I would control the timing. Lying -- or at least not telling the truth -- all of the time to people close to your heart takes its toll. There has been an artificial separation between me and my father due to my deception. I have wanted to tell my father for years now. Back in high school, during every single college break, weekend visits, and occasional lunches, I have wanted to be open with him. It is not that I have any resentment now that the knowledge is out. (Darn these in/out puns!) I see nothing gained by hiding the truth from people and not sharing your whole being with them. From this point on, he and I can only grow closer. Now, honesty -- however painful and unsolicited -- will reign in place of deceit. Coming out is a never-ending process. For all of my out-ness on campus and in Philadelphia, I am/was very "in" at home. Varying degrees of "out" play a part in the life of every lesbian, gay, bisexual, and even queer person. Believe it or not, I do not demand that each l/g/b/q person run around screaming about their sexuality. That would make me a hypocrite, closet-case that I am. Sure, much would be accomplished if everyone came out for just one day, but this is not yet feasible. Coming out is accompanied with fear. Well-founded in some cases. Being bashed, rejected, or disowned are valid causes of concern. Motivation to stay in the closet is very high. Based on things he has said in the past and my own assumptions, I have chosen not to tell my father. On the other hand, I share my partner in crime/fellow queer columnist Jodi Bromberg's railing against the closet. I understand her just anger against closet cases as well as the closeted people's point of view. Too bad society is so anti-queer that we even have this concept of the closet. I digress. . . Sometimes it is easier sharing yourself with 20,000 strangers than with the closest member of your family. I have no problem with being on national television, university television, or in front of large groups of people. Interpersonal relationships require trust and sacrifice, things not present in activism. I valued my father's approval too much to put it in jeopardy, more than I valued my own peace of mind. I want to be as close to him as possible, seeing that our history has not been a smooth one. I fear losing him now that he knows. College tuition aside, his love and respect mean infinitely more to me than any financial backing. I have not been willing to put our relationship at stake. Unfortunately, I have no choice now. Not my preferred set of circumstances, but I foresee a brighter future as a result. I can testify how long I struggled with my sexual identity throughout childhood and adolescence. My parents will now have to go through a similar coming out process. Whole sets of ambitions and dreams need to be rearranged and shifted. As difficult as it is be queer, it is just as tough to be parents of a non-straight person. People are afraid to be seen with an out person on campus. Closeted l/g/b people are even more frightened. This holds true for moms and dads. Parents also worry about how their child's sexuality comments on them. Point of information, there is no correlation. My spring break brings a week of sorting things out. A Commission to Strengthen the Family. A Stephen Summit on Queer/Heterosexual Relations. Task forces. Committees. Workshops. I am going home armed with my columns as concrete example of my opinions, not anyone's preconceptions and assumptions. Honesty is the whole reason this all has come up. A noble cause, no? Here's hoping that understanding will prevail. My being queer, out, and loud is not a personal attack on my father. It is my life and my choices on how to live it. Rough waters are ahead for me and my family, but we will persevere as a unit. You are a very important part of my life, and I do not want to lose you. I love you, Dad. Stephen Houghton is a junior Fine Arts and French major from Rockledge, Pennsylvania. Ecce Queer appears alternate Wednesdays.