COLUMN: Dedicated To Those Who Have Loved And Lost

From Jenifer Wana's "Whatever You Say, Dear," Fall '94 Now for some of you, this means buying roses, going out to a romantic dinner, and saying mushy-gushies all night to your other half. For others, it means getting depressed, wondering the last time you had a date (much less a cheap hook-up), and contemplating monastic life. And for people like me, who are in that just-broke-up-and-still-bitter stage, it means more. A lot more. It means shopping at Franklin Mills and seeing disgusting Valentine's Day cards, candy, and gifts being advertised for sale... Listening to your roommates thinking about what they're going to do with their boyfriends on that day... Or even worse, everyone you know asking, "So what are you and your boyfriend doing for Valentine's Day?" Well, I'm not really one to dwell on matters. So in the spirit of Valentine's Day, and for the sake of other women who have also recently broken up with their previously-loved ones, I've compiled a helpful list: Top 10 things to do on Valentine's Day to forget about your X-boyfriend (notice the capital "X"). 10. Cut him out in all of your pictures. I wouldn't recommend this if you think you might ever want to get back together again, but it proves to be a good stress reliever. 9. Make 100 copies of his house keys and leave them around West Philly with a keychain saying "If lost, please return to 4042 Walnut St." You've gotta be pretty pissed to do this, but it might prove to be a cool sociology project. And it's a little more creative than putting his number on a bathroom wall, since women aren't as desperate as men to call these random phone numbers. 8. Drop all his classes on PARIS. You've got till the end of the day. Just do it. So he's a second semester senior that needs three more classes to graduate. Without you, he won't be able to live much longer anyway. 7. Pawn every piece of jewelry he ever gave you. Gold watch? Diamond necklace? Ruby ring? Unless you want to keep it in the bottom of your jewelry box or actually keep on wearing, or (Buddha forbid) be nice enough to give it back, make money off of it! 6. Burn all the clothes he left in your room. No, I'm not talking about the cool grey-and-blue plaid J. Crew flannel shirt. That you could actually wear yourself. I'm talking about the repugnant magenta turtleneck he always insisted on wearing under it. Or even better, burn half his favorite boxer shorts and send them to him. 5. Dismember any stuffed animals he gave you. Trust me. When stuck on your television antennas, Gund teddy bear feet do wonders for your reception. And nothing like a stuffed deer's head mounted on my wall. Very aesthetically pleasing, I must say. 4. When you start recollecting the good ol' times, picture a truck running into him. So you've been apart for a while, but you can't help picturing that picnic in Rittenhouse Square celebrating your one-year anniversary. Well, now picture a steamroller coming by and squashing his little body into pigeon pancake. It's called self-healing. 3. When people ask, "So why did you guys break up?" tell them it's because he discovered he was gay. Then walk away. Sweet and simple. 2. Go out with his roommate(s). So they may not be Mr. Gorgeous, or even Mr. Decent. Unless their name is Russell Wong. Just stop by in a hot, sexy red dress, flash those pearly whites at your X, and stroll on out. 1. Write a DP column revealing all the evil deeds you've done the past week. I may never get into 34th Street for it, but why want a paragraph when I can rule half of Page Six? Jenifer Wana is a junior Communications major from Willowbrook, Illinois. Whatever You Say, Dear appears alternate Fridays.