COLUMN: Galileo, Let Us Go!

From Brian Kennedy's "Surfo Ergo Sum," Fall '93 From Brian Kennedy's "Surfo Ergo Sum," Fall '93Recently a great commotion surfaced concerning Dr.Jerry Hall's successful splitting of fertilized human eggs at George Washington University. Some quickly condemned the research team, decrying Hall for cloning a human being. Others confused him with Mick Jagger's ex. Hall himself argued that before they continued in this line of inquiry, society needs to debate the morality of xeroxing humans. He added that though he was a big Stones fan, he had never actually met Mick. (He did once see Keith Richards in an elevator.) The old method wasn't as simple as test tube mating. A man and a woman would go out to dinner, have a few too many drinks, and nine months later a baby would arrive. In spite of the sweaty nature of the old method, many people claimed that they actually enjoyed it. Of course, the big question is do scientists sneak out to the hallway to have a cigarette after they've split the egg? Much of modern technology, under scrutiny, tends to be as superfluous and superficial as cloning. Great cries echo around us that personal cellular phones are to be the next, latest, greatest technical wonder. Companies are already trying to enlist us as carriers of their goods. One ad shows a woman who has bicycled to the top of an awe-inspiring mountain. As she looks out at the canyon as it turns a deep red in the setting sun, her handy-dandy hand-held phone rings. She is shown smiling and laughing as she chats away, oblivious to her distance to the other party. The ad emphasizes that technology has succeeded in negating distances. You can now be told to bring home milk from even the most remote region of the planet. Great! Now as we stand upon Nature's precipice, pondering our insignificance in relation to the cosmos, feeling that inexplicable sublimity of mind, and wondering what it all means, telemarketers can try to interest us in buying Thigh-Masters. They can offer us 30 free minutes of personal-cellular phone air time just by switching to their service. Another company is pushing a water-proof version of the portable phones. Now we can chat with friends as we shower and shave. Time wasting showers will be a thing of the past; now we can efficiently use those precious 10 minutes to close deals and appease girlfriends with heartfelt calls. In the old days, in order to reach someone in the bathroom, one had to bang on the door loudly and holler. Now even that most safe of havens is readily penetrable. Daddies around the world will no longer be able to get away from their children and read dirty magazines. Imagine the hallway gridlock waiting for your teenage daughter to get out now that she can preen herself in front of a mirror and spread gossip at the same time. The Information Highway is being rapidly paved. Soon, they tell us, we will be receiving all types of advanced information through our telephone lines and computers. Multimedia software combined with high-definition television and fiber-optic lines will radically alter human consciousness. This is going to usher in a new way of human existence, they tell us. But is it really so different? Computer nerds and engineering students around the world will be able to use their modem to call 900 numbers that will transmit multimedia images at a baud rate of 9600. These boys will then be able to create highly defined images of the woman of their dreams, make her say exactly what they want, and achieve sexual union with their PC. The motive behind this technological advance is no different than the motive of the Medieval farm boy. He would sneak down to the local river towards sunset, hide in a bush, and get-off by watching the neighborhood serf women bathe. Really, technology hasn't advanced us at all. The Church was right. Nearly 500 years ago they foresaw the folly of scientific advance and tried to nip it in the bud. They sent Galileo and his silly telescope packing. Unfortunately, a year ago this week they saw fit to actually condone technological advance by reinstating this heretical astronomer into the fold. Now even the Pope agrees that these new-fangled ways are better than the old tried and true methods. Soon, the Pope-mobile will be out-fitted with a Motorola Pope-Phone. His rosary beads will dangle next to his beeper. God used to be the only one able to reach John Paul as he prayed, but now any well-connected atheist will be able to beep him during novenas. Even Gabriel might have to leave a messages on his voice mail. Galileo, Galileo, Galileo let us go! You and your scientific inquiries started the ball rolling and as a result a man can't have a moment's peace! Science has ruined sexual pleasure, stomped on meditative reflection and stifled our thoughts. Send letters to your bishop asking him to lobby in Rome for the re-excommunication of the father of science. If he laughs at you, just wait until he is in the bathroom reading the sports page, and then give him a call. Brian Kennedy is a senior English major from West Orange, New Jersey. Surfo Ergo Sum appears alternate Tuesdays.