COLUMN: Number 2 Pencil Blues

From Brian Kennedy's "Surfo Ergo Sum," Fall '93 From Brian Kennedy's "Surfo Ergo Sum," Fall '93Yes, it's that time of year, seniors. Standardized tests abound. There are MCAT's for aspiring plastic surgeons, LSAT's for aspiring thieves, GMAT's for aspiring usurpers, and GRE's for those with no concrete aspirations at all. It's a kind of alphabet soup for adults. Some have tried to prepare for this moment by studying with an overpaid tutorial service whose only valuable advice is "Don't forget to bring at least two #2 pencils with you to the test." Exactly what does the "2" signify anyway? Others have played the ostrich; they bury their heads in the sand, and hope that the answer is never "E." But these tests, like death, are the great equalizer. No matter how well-prepared you are, or how smart you are, you still feel really stupid coloring in a bunch of circles. The problem with the tests, though, is that they pretend to ask questions about things we should have learned in college, but they really don't reflect the things learned during four years of college. For example, did anyone really learn to be logical? No, so why do the tests concern themselves with these impractical issues. Who cares if Bus A passes Bus B only if Train C passes Car D? Let's see some questions that truly reflect our time spent at college. There can be a section called Emergency Response which tests the ability to think on your feet. One of the questions could go something like this. 1) If your parents happen to spot your bong behind the sofa during Parent's Weekend, you should tell them: a) Oh, that's just a vase, Dad; b) Jeez, I never saw that before. The old tenants must have left it behind. c) It's my roommate's. d) That, oh that, that's a, a... let's just forget this subject for now, Dad. Another section would test a student's financial prowess better than the GMAT's ever could. 24) If it's Thursday and you have only $5 left until you get paid, and you haven't eaten all day, you should: a) Chip in with another friend and cook a well-balanced meal. b) Buy a hot dog at a truck. c) Spend the five bucks on a pitcher of beer, get drunk and pass out until your paycheck is ready. d) Go to an expensive restaurant on your father's Gold Card. Now for all you aspiring lawyers, here's one you may have seen on the LSAT. Organize a schedule so that teacher A teaches the morning class on Thursday only if teacher B teaches the afternoon class on Tuesday. What bull! A better test of jurisprudential abilities would be as follows. 66) If ambulance A is carrying a dog bite victim to an emergency room at a not-for-profit hospital, at the same time ambulance B is carrying your grandmother who is having a seizure to a Catholic hospital you should: a) Hurry to donate blood for your grandmother. b) Start praying for divine intervention. c) Forget granny and start planning your contingency percentage. For all those planning to get that M.B.A., decent managerial skills would be indicated by a correct answer to the following. 72) If you have cut a class that morning to hang out on the Green, and you see the professor walking toward you on Locust Walk, you should: a) Go right up to the professor, explain your absence, and ask if there's any way to make-up the lost time. b) Move briskly towards the library, pretend that you are so involved in a project that you don't notice him, and mutter aloud about, "this damn Rhodes Scholarship application." c) Quickly open the DP and hide your face inside. Math skills? Get rid of those inane questions about square roots and areas of triangles. The only math a real Penn student knows would be more accurately tested with questions like: 31) There are two equally cute boys hitting on you in a bar one night. One has about $20, and your drink costs three dollars a piece. The other boy has a credit card tab. What should you do if you want to get as drunk as possible without spending a dime? a) Acknowledge gracefully that you don't have any money with you, and decline to drink for the evening. b) Let each boy buy you one drink and spend equal time flirting with them both. c) Diss the guy with the 20, drink your face off and buy drinks for your friends using the other boy's Visa, and feel that you have amply compensated him just by your presence. The vocabulary sections of the tests currently used are equally absurd as the math. Aria: opera is equivalent to monologue: play. Who cares? Why not test the true vocabulary skills of America's youth? 68) Tequila:beauty – a) oil:water. b) desert:mirage. c) sunlight:color. 69) Condom: sex – a)moat: castle. b)gum: bubble. c)acceleration: force. Any self-respecting Quaker senior will obviously recognize c) as the correct answer to #68 because addition of the first object increases the second. It is also c) in #69 because one can't take place without the other. In fact, if you have been scoring along at home, c) is the answer to all of the questions. Any senior who scored perfectly can take pride in having gained valuable knowledge during his/her stay at Penn. For those who didn't do so well, don't be discouraged. There are enough graduate school programs out there waiting to take your money so that you can get in somewhere. And once there, try to concentrate on the important aspects of education, because you really missed what being an undergraduate is all about. Brian Kennedy is a senior English major from West Orange, New Jersey. Surfo Ergo Sum appears alternate Tuesdays.