COLUMN: Itchy and Scruffy

From Kenneth Baer's "Wired for Cable," Fall '93 I have cursed Sheldon Hackney to the bowels of Hell, and Shelly, believe me, it's hotter than Martha's Vineyard in August. I have debated the prospect of racial harmony and free love until I'm blue in the face. And I have no couch. I now leave it to this semester's crop of columnists, and their varied perspectives -ranging from the front door of Smoke's to HUP operating rooms- to thoroughly wrestle with these modern-day dilemma's. While this page will hopefully anger, amuse, excite, and possibly incite you to break the law (try to explain that on the character section of the bar exam), I am afraid that it may overlook one of the most important, revolutionary, and itchy phenomenon to sweep across campus and the whole Pac-Man generation- beards. From the amiable, fly-fishing Midwestern pothead to the straight and narrow jock, facial hair abounds. Even Ed Matz has a beard. Disclaimer time. Due to the sheer force of my laziness, I stopped shaving after leaving my summer job at the beginning of the month. After two months in the political arena, I needed my face to heal. The response from my female friends was underwhelming. In fact, that same response pretty much crossed all barriers of race, gender, class, and religion. A truly egalitarian offense. So why do men grow it? Why are goateed, flannel-wearing pre-professionals flailing down the Walk? Have we really bought the whole Seattle thing? Are Penn students that shallow? Remember, "Singles" was just a movie, and Soul Asylum hails from Minneapolis. Maybe it's a religious thing. I haven't seen many Amish proselytizing on the Walk, but the Hasidim have stepped up recruiting efforts recently. But if that's the case, have they traded the hora for stage diving? I don't know ask their rebbe. He has a beard. So did Abe Lincoln, and he freed the slaves. How noble. Then again, Charles Manson has a beard. Still no answers. As any keen reporter would do, I went right to the source. I asked a friend from Portland, which is near Seattle, who now lives in Philly, "Hey, why the beard?" His answer was simple. Simple, but elegant. It was for the babes. Elegant like a frat party. You see, he said, beards really don't look good. In fact, they really itch and are annoying, and women don't think they look good either. It's what the hair represents: rebellion. Not bad for a comm major. Just like Conrad's Hearts of Darkness is filled with phallic symbolism, beards are filled with ... What do you call it? Is there a female equivalent to "phallic?" Anyway, the theory goes that men like having hair on their face and so do women. Boy, this is getting steamy, and I didn't even say dominatrix. The whole fad is tied to rebellion for both men and women. It's a return to nature, living in the wild. Smelly and horny. When relationships were simple. Fred and Barney, although beardless, went to work while Wilma and Betty stayed at home preparing the Brontosaurus burgers. Oh, where have you gone June Cleaver. Robert Bly take me away. I am wuss man, hear me roar. Gender politics aside, my survey of the 23 men and two women I have seen with beards this past week leads me to believe that they are driven more by laziness than Bly, religious tradition, or a desire to emulate that guy from Stone Temple Pilots. And it being a desperate attempt to attract women. Let's just hope you're all smarter than that. But it has to be more to it than benign neglect. Some men actively groom their beards. I needed answers, so I went to the cutting edge of intellectual thought: the office of the Vice Provost for University Life. VPUL Kim Morrisson responded to my query with the carefulness of a sage so confident of his/her/its (or any combination thereof) veracity and the unbridled excitement of the junior officer who, after a freak accident wipes out the senior command, finds herself in charge of the whole division. As always trying not to offend, Morrison said that a beard was a devious way for straight, white males to abuse their power relationship and subjugate all homosexual, women of color with physical and/or mental challenges. I tried to explain to her that as a religiously-challenged Jew in a Christian society, I felt the wrath of the Establishment every time a bacon bit finds it way into a house salad. Sensing that no answers were to be found here, I leaned over to ask Robin Read where the exit was as Morrisson telephoned her colleague, Leonard Jeffries of CUNY, for the correct response. She responded that the Commission on Non-Offensive Door Signs and Open Flatulence had determined that a red exit sign was too demanding and could cause psychic injury to those who were picked last for kickball in fifth grade. And water buffalo is a racial slur. But, I digress. Then again, water buffaloes are animals that have facial hair and are simultaneously offensive. Maybe Eden was really racially harassing men with beards on that fateful night. A couple of days ago, I shaved off my nascent beard. Since then, I have felt no discernible drop in my masculinity, and I am no less offensive to endangered minority groups. In addition, I have felt no drop in my religious piety. Ironically, the night I shaved, I went Hillel where I saw Kim Morrisson, and she didn't seem to mind either. But fighting the urge to grow a beard is difficult. Everyday I'm reminded that taking blade to skin everyday is just a daily pain in the ass. Or water buffalo. Kenneth Baer is a senior History major from Cherry Hill, New Jersey and is the Daily Pennsylvanian's Editorial Page Editor. Wired for Cable will appear alternate Wednesdays.