COLUMN: "Hungry? Send Out the Cops!"

From Nathaniel Cade's "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock," Fall '92 And you thought Bill Clinton had it rough. To avert major catastrophe, I have taken the liberty of devising a few ways to help dear old Sheldon and company. First and foremost, the University should raise student's tuition. Students are obviously to blame for the escalating budget and should be made to pay for their overzealousness in their academic studies. But wait . . . that's been done before. Next, the University should sell the Veterinary School. If Governor Casey and his merry band of bungling state legislators refuse to help fund it, why should we? I say we let loose on the governor's mansion every sick dog, cat, horse and sheep we can find. Better yet, let them loose in the state capitol. That will definitely get us our money. After all, if you were a state legislator, what would you do? Fund the University or scrape dog doodoo out of your leather-upholstered desk chair? Even Gotti couldn't offer you a better deal than that. Another great idea is to burn down a few buildings in the University's real estate portfolio and collect the insurance money. Let's not kid ourselves. Many a Wharton graduate has considered this way out when a company of theirs goes belly-up. Will anyone really miss the Executive Conference Center? or Hill House? or even Van Pelt dormitory? The empty lots can be used to build mini-parks or volleyball courts. But why stop there? The administration could sell "Ride me big Sheldon" bumper stickers. Students would go nuts to adorn everything they own with one. Think of the possibilities of selling them nationally. It could become the new catch-all phrase that would lead us into the 21st Century. But alas, I couldn't force that great honor on our president. After becoming a national symbol, do you think he would even acknowledge that he came from Penn? Or would we ever see him again? How many people have seen the "Where's the beef?" lady since her fifteen annoying minutes of fame? How about renting out the University Police? Everyone says that they are rent-a-cops, so why don't we rent them out? Ed Rendell could use them to bust the police union when it complains about a lack of benefits. Or they could be used to provide Escort Service. I would get a kick out of riding in a "black and white" with the sirens blaring, just to let my neighbors know I got home safely. And late at night -- when I get the munchies and feel too lazy to go get food -- I can send them out to pick up some White Castle Hamburgers. A sure moneymaker would be to sell the film rights of the InterFraternity Council Bid Night to a Hollywood studio. I can see it in lights so clearly: "Bid Night at Penn: Good boys gone bad." Tricia Phaup would be played by Janine Turner ("Northern Exposure") and Eric Newman would be played by Al Franken ("Saturday Night Live.") There hasn't been a good "Animal House"-like movie in years. Let's put Penn on the map. If we are the party school of the Ivies, let's prove it. What say we do a few Whartonesque accounting tricks? Sell University land at a loss to a holding corporation secretly owned by the school, with certain administrators sitting on its board, who would then in turn sell it back to the University for a lower price. The ensuing tax write-off could be used to lower our liabilities, and therefore our budget. Well, if you don't believe that these ideas are radical enough . . . I got more. First, let's charge user fees to use Locust Walk. A little toll-booth could be set up at all entry points, manned by Penn cops, and a small fee would be charged for the use of the Walk. It would make us a hell of a lot of money and no one would want to live there because it would cost too damn much. Two birds killed with one stone. Lastly, the administration should rent-out Sheldon Hackney's house for private parties. That way, performing arts groups and sororities wouldn't have to worry about being busted at the Gold Standard for underage drinking. The Penn Cops could even be hired to provide security. This may all sound stupid to you, but it is a serious problem. The University of Pennsylvania is being forced by the state to search for millions of dollars in new funding to balance the budget. The city is pressuring the University to not only do with less in certain basic services, but to pay more in taxes. Faculty are torn between doing research or teaching -- one gets them student accolades, the other gets them promoted. The ultimate loser is you, the student. Unless desperate measures are taken, only the rich may be able to afford to attend Penn. But hey, at least they could afford the tolls. Nathaniel Cade is a senior Economics and Political Science major from Detroit, Michigan. "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock" normally appears alternate Thursdays.

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