COLUMN: "Farewell to Arms, Hello X-mas"

From David Chun's "The World According to Dave," Fall '92 -- Alan Rickman, paraphrased from Plutarch · Thanks to my past six columns, I have been labeled a sexist, sarcastic, stereotyping, shallow, cynical, clich -ish, pessimistic, materialistic, aristocratic-yet-"a romantic" writer. Damn that was tough to type! I have focused my columns primarily on humanity and social commentary, but as a finale to my long semester of sarcasm, I will now taint the only sacred, pure, and holy topic left on Earth: Christmas. As a young child growing up, the Christmas season was viewed as a month-long celebration filled with joy, music, presents, decorations, snow -- well, the snow didn't apply in Miami but you get the point. Most importantly, Christmas was viewed as two weeks vacation from school. Then as we reach that critical drinking age, Christmas loses its mystique. It is no longer filled with gaieties, but with responsibilities. What was started by Saint Nicholas to motivate young children to behave and listen to their parents throughout the year -- or at least for the month of December -- has now turned into a multi-billion dollar enterprise. As we sit near the fireplace every December doing the cost-benefit analysis for the endless list of worthy gift recipients versus naughty-but-nice Christmas card recipients, you suddenly realize that Christmas ain't Christmas anymore. We are all grown up! I know some of you are now saying to yourself, "I'm not grown up. I'm still innocent!" Before you claim to be Peter Pan, take this simple "I Don't Want To Grow Up, I'm a Toys 'R Us Brat" test. · If you know that Viscum album is the scientific name for mistletoe, it's too late. · If you realize that cutting down millions of Christmas trees every year depletes the ozone layer, Christmas has lost its meaning for you. · If you think Santa Claus is a little on the hefty side and should enroll at the Jenny Craig Weight Loss Center, you are a definite product of the '90s childhood. · If you realize snow melts in the sun and the abominable snowman should be now renamed the pathetic aquaman, welcome to adulthood. · If you know that Norman Rockwell was hired by Coca-Cola to create the first image of Santa Claus -- the reason why all the paintings of the first Santa Claus have Coke bottles -- reality has taken its toll on you. · If you think Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer should have gotten a nose job, skip Christmas and go straight to New Year's. · If you fax your "Season's Greetings" instead of buying Hallmarks' pretty little over-priced cards, you are too Yuppie for Christmas. · Finally, if you realize Santa Claus doesn't really exist, you should start singing Don Henley's "End of the Innocence." I do apologize for all those who were just now forced to face the harsh reality of Santa Claus' nonexistence. But while I'm in the mood of dispelling myths, let me just tell you that Cupid will not make you fall in love with that perfect person, the Easter Bunny doesn't lay Easter Eggs, storks don't bring babies airborne, the tooth-fairy will not leave money for your stupid tooth, there is no gold at the end of the rainbow, Elvis is dead and teaching assistants never spoke English. Let's face it, if you told your psychologist that you believe in little green midgets making useless toys for you near the polar regions and one faithful day an overweight man in red tights flying on a sled will climb down the chimney to stuff your gift in an old sock, you would most likely be locked up in a white room with no friends. But in all seriousness, the 24-hour marathons of "It's a Wonderful Life" reinforce a good point. Christmas is a very special day that comes only once every 365 days. It is probably the only time when mankind actually thinks less about oneself and more about others. It is the personification of 364 days of guilt for being so preoccupied with self-preservation. Christmas is the ideal time to contact old friends, locate lost loves, mend relationships, start new ones, help others, appreciate family, and celebrate life. Maybe if we treated all 365 days like Christmas, then mankind would spend less time pursuing mass accumulation of wealth, power and influence, and the world might finally be able to say farewell to arms. Before I bid my final farewell, I would like to thank all those who have contributed to my articles and convey my eterna gratitudine to: · William Shakespeare for helping me find humor in everyday life. · Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel for teaching me the subtleties of humanity. · Guiseppe Verdi for all the passion and romance. · Marcel Duchamp for helping me see the everyday world in a new perspective. · John Bartlett for adding conviction to my words. · Ralph Waldo Emerson for helping me define "true success." · Il mio palpito dell'universo intero for inspiring and captivating my life for the past two years. · Paola Frascari for my Italiano. And finally to all the faithful readers of my small contribution to society on Thursdays, you have filled my life with una gioia cos straordinaria -- such immense joy. Now, I will bid my farewell with this celebrated excerpt from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet: "Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be & 'morrow." Con molto affetto, David Chun David Chun is a junior Political Science and Psychology major from Miami, Florida. "The World According to Dave" appeared alternate Thursdays.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.