COLUMN: "Want a New World Order? Vote for Cade in 2020!"

From Nathaniel Cade's "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock," Fall '92 He is most remembered as the "Sheriff of Rock Ridge" in Mel Brooks' Western, "Blazing Saddles." I did not find myself worthy to follow in his satirical footsteps, thus I had to assume a new title. I moved to the town next door and anointed myself boss. · Speaking of bosses, now that the election is finally over, I thought I'd mention a few of the things I would do if elected president. With a little luck and your support, that dream might come true. Oh, before I start, would someone please help Dan Quayle find a new job in government? It's kind of hard thinking up new jokes. The first thing I would do if elected president, as a matter of national importance, is invade Canada. Oh, stop your whining! We all know that it is basically a U.S. territory like Samoa. The only difference is that Dan Quayle doesn't think they are happy campers. Some people may feel it's racist of me for not going with the option of invading Mexico. But Mexico has a lot of environmental problems that are just being discovered. When they clean up, I'll brush up on my Spanish. Besides, do you really want another New Jersey? I'd send the 82nd and 101st airborne divisions about 100 to 150 miles North, drop them in, and annex everything in sight, except for Quebec. They have too many problems to deal with. I'll bet that they would want French to become an official language. We're talking Civil War II. Screw them. They can keep Quebec -- and for that matter, their stupid hockey team. Why Canada, you ask? Well, think about what we would get. The United States would not only have a magnificent Olympic hockey team, but would also have a chance to pick up a few medals in the Winter Games. Next, we would get really good beer without having to pay import duties. Not the kind of beer that my old high rise hallmates thought was quality -- Keystone -- but superb beer: Labatt's Blue and Molson. Personally, the Quebecois -- the plural for the Quebec people Hey, I did my research! -- can have all the damn Keystone beer. Third, when the zenith of Canadian professional acting is epitomized by Mike Myers in "Wayne's World," then action needs to be taken to save them from the eternal damnation of B-movies. Finally, we would get the World Series back. Toronto would be an American city and we wouldn't have to worry about the humiliation the loss caused us. Even the flag would be flown properly. As a side note, the Canadian Football League would be abolished. It's just poorly played football. I realize that invading Canada would be rather pompous of a Cade administration. Think of the possible word association: "Get paid with Cade." "Got it made with Cade." "Vote for Cade, get la--" Well, I'm sure you understand. The second thing I would do as President, once we have the southern part of Canada secured, is to place all skinheads, Neo-Nazis, Ku Klux Klan white supremacists -- and Rosanne Barr Arnold -- into Montana and Idaho. Those radical groups are always ranting and raving about getting an area of their own in the Northwest somewhere, to start an Aryan nation. Since I am a good-hearted President, I'll let them have it. Actually, I would get a real kick from having all those racists in one spot. A mandate would be in place which would allow only certain television shows to be broadcast to them, sort of like Radio Free America. The funny part is that the only shows they would be able to tune into would be the "Cosby Show," "Different Strokes," "Sanford and Son" and "Showtime at the Apollo." It would sure be a "hoot" to see that look on their faces. Many people might question why they even deserve a place of their own. Well, where else are we going to store our nuclear waste? Next, I would order all history texts changed. George Bush would get little credit for the things he claims to have done -- Bush is out, Saddam is still in, victory my ass -- and I would give Dan Quayle a much bigger role in the administration than he had ever known before. I might even consider getting rid of the "potato(e)" incident. My final act as President would be to place more women on the Supreme Court. Regardless of whether I am for or against abortion rights, that is not why I am going to nominate them. I think women definitely have more than one issue that concerns them. Before the males start to condemn me, think about this: How would you like it if a bunch of old women sat around and decided it was time for you to get a vasectomy? End of story! Well, I am outta' here like the Republicans. But before I go, remember to vote Cade in 2020. Your choice of beer may depend on it. Nathaniel Cade is a senior Economics and Political Science major from Detroit, Michigan. "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock" appears alternate Thursdays.

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