COLUMN: "Clinton, Fact or Fiction?"

From Caren Lissner's "Storm and Stress," Fall '92 We've heard "wonk," as in "policy wonk" - a term describing Bill Clinton and his knack for discussing public policy - used as a noun, a verb, an adjective and an interjection. The political hype is not over - it has only just begun. Articles on style still compete for space with articles of substance in every major newspaper. I can't say I mind, because after reading twelve whiny stories on the fact that Bill Clinton hasn't picked a cabinet yet, it's nice to learn about the more personal aspects of the First Family-elect. Some of what has come out has been very interesting - thus, I have put together an amalgamation of the strangest facts to appear in recent weeks in magazines, newspapers, and whatever USA Today counts as. After each of them I have added my own "inside scoop," to which most of these publications have not caught on. I swear that each fact is completely true from what I've read. As for the inside scoops...well, those have yet to be verified. FACT: Although people have suggested that Hillary Clinton be appointed to a cabinet position or to the position of White House Chief of Staff, she can't be. Lyndon Johnson put a law into effect banning public officials from hiring their relatives to work under them as a response to John Kennedy's appointing his brother Attorney General in the early sixties. INSIDE SCOOP: This doesn't mean she won't run in 2000. FACT: Next time you're on the second floor of the Van Pelt library, check out The London Times' November 8 "US. Election issue," which provides a unique perspective on out President-to-be. According to the Times, Bill Clinton "represents a strain of Statism that spells the end of the American way of life" and the new administration "will almost certainly disappoint, if it is not a failure." The issue also describes Clinton as "overweight, red-faced and irredeemably square." INSIDE SCOOP: They're just getting back at us for yawning every time we read about John Major. FACT: George Bush, Ross Perot and Bill Clinton are left-handed. INSIDE SCOOP: The three had a secret pact that whoever won the election would take money from the treasury and put it into the manufacture of left-handed kids' scissors with handles in colors other than olive green. FACT: For the first few years of Clinton's governorship, Hillary Clinton kept her maiden name, Rodham. She eventually adopted her married name due to public pressure. INSIDE SCOOP: Clinton's mother was so affected by this pressure that she adopted four married names. FACT: One of Washington's most unusual couples, Clinton campaign adviser James Carville and Bush political director Mary Matalin, flew to Paris together after the election. When Carville returns, he plans to work for the re-election campaign of New Jersey Governor Jim Florio. INSIDE SCOOP: Matalin plans to work for challenger Christine Todd Whitman. FACT: The future first family doesn't own a dog (although you might try sending them one in order to have a canine contact in the White House.) The First Pet-elect, to whom the Clintons are allergic, is "Socks" the cat. Socks is neutered and de-clawed. Reporters were admonished last week for allegedly using catnip to lure him outside the gates of the Governor's mansion and then lifting him up for photo ops (is no one safe?) This reportedly upset Chelsea greatly. INSIDE SCOOP: Socks is actually a midget secret service agent in disguise. FACT: Al Gore was recently seen wearing a tie designed by Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead, and Tipper is supposedly a fan of his. INSIDE SCOOP: When pressed for details, Tipper said, "Well, he and that other guy make such good ice cream, how could I not be a fan?" FACT: The Transition Team receives about 30,000 pieces of mail each day. When asked how many of them were resumes, communications director George Stephanopoulis replied, "Most of them." INSIDE SCOOP: Dreamers like me are going to keep sending them anyway. FACT: Clinton was born William Jefferson Blythe IV, but took his step-father's surname in his teenage years in order to appease him. INSIDE SCOOP: He really did it to preserve his political viability. Billy Blythe is kind of a silly name for a President. FACT: 250,000 passes, more than ever before, will be issued for the January 20 inaugural ceremonies. To add yourself to the list for tickets, call campaign headquarters in Little Rock at (501) 372-1992. You may have to be put on hold and listen to sappy music for about ten minutes, but it's worth it to have the chance to watch history in the making. INSIDE SCOOP: Don't be silly. You have class that day! FACT: While Bill Clinton has been praised as having a "clear, direct" speaking style, he keeps losing his voice so it doesn't really matter. INSIDE SCOOP: The voice thing was actually faked during the campaign in order to get sympathy, sort of like when Tim Robbins had himself shot on election eve in the film "Bob Roberts." FACT: "Fast friends" Hillary Clinton and Tipper Gore appeared together on the cover of November 16's People Weekly. INSIDE SCOOP: They're saving Bill for their annual "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. FACT: Chelsea Clinton was named after a Joni Mitchell song, "Chelsea Morning." INSIDE SCOOP: Al Gore III, son of the Vice President-elect, was named after Al Sharpton. FACT: Bill Clinton is said to enjoy staying up until the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping late. INSIDE SCOOP: That's the real reason so many college students identified with him. FACT: True to his "informal" style, Governor Clinton recently asked one of his aides if there was a McDonald's near the White House. INSIDE SCOOP: He just wanted to make sure that Dan Quayle would have somewhere to work. FACT: Many people are worried that with Dan Quayle gone, there won't be any politicians around to make jokes about. INSIDE SCOOP: That's why Clinton is against term limits in the Senate There! Now you, too, have can predict the future of the new administration with the brightest of the political pundits. If not, you can at least start a few new rumors. Is the term "Hillbilly" really a combination of the First Couple's first names? Will the President quote half of Kennedy's inaugural in his own? Will Mrs. Clinton have a baby now that she doesn't have to spend all of her time at her law firm? Since it was Hillary who suggested the name for the Emmy-winning series "Evening Shade," will the inauguration take place on the show? Maybe not, but we have to have something to gossip about. There's only so much we can do with the cat. Caren Lissner is a senior English major from Old Bridge, New Jersey. "Storm and Stress" appears alternate Wednesdays.

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