COLUMN: "Show Me That Smile Again"

From Caren Lissner's "Pretty Sneaky Sis," Spring '92. Around 6:30 a.m. the campus is a center for non-college life. Commuters hurry to the subway, garbage trucks rumble, bread trucks rush by and deliver to Wawa. The sky slowly becomes pink in the east and the buildings in front of it, mostly unlit, appear dark purple. It's all very serene, a secret world that will vanish by 9:00 classes as the sun comes up. Everyone should get up at that time and look out the High Rise South rooftop lounge. Don't think I'm crazy. Try it just once. You'll feel better about being in Philadelphia. As the day brightens, you might want to investigate some of the other little-known sights around campus. Most of them I've just discovered recently myself. On the next sunny day, if you have nothing to do, take a random tour like the one I took on Tuesday. I started at the cemetery on Woodland Avenue, southwest of the Quad. Sorry, I know there are dead bodies there, but it always looked like a pleasant place anyway. I found the great green gates and walked through. There is a sign on either side of the road through the cemetery. The one on the right says "Woodlands cemetery, incorporated 1840. No fires, liquor or dogs." The one on the left says, "Woodlands Heritage National Recreation Trail." I'd never thought about combining a fitness trail with a cemetery before, but it makes sense now. If you have a heart attack while jogging, people can just throw dirt on you and save your relatives a lot of time and money. I looked at a few of the graves and found some dating back to 1803. I searched for interesting stories or names, but after I found one for a kid who died when he was 21, I got the creeps and left. I traveled east to the buildings behind the upper Quad. I ducked behind the Zoology building to find another nature trail. This one leads to the bio pond. Here, too, pets were banned, but it didn't say anything about fires, so I guess they're okay, as long as you start them in the pond. In the pond I saw many red fish and three turtles. Very pleasant. I returned to the Med School buildings and entered the Johnson Pavillion to get to the John Morgan building, which proclaims itself the nation's first school of medicine, founded in 1765. (The building is named after Dr. John Morgan and apparently is not related to the cute little boy of the same name on NBC's great new series "I'll Fly Away.") Unfortunately, I had to go through the basement to get up to the decent floors. In the basement are doors with signs saying things like "Cold Room, for research purposes only" (darn, I just wanted to hang out with the chemicals) and "Caution -- radioactive materials." There are also many refrigerators around. I don't know what's in them, but I doubt it's Kool-aid. Anyway, on the upper levels are huge paintings of John Morgan, who helped plan for the school, and other Penn notables. There are also display cases with various items related to medicine. As I exited this building, a boy who looked about eleven years old skated past me. He was wearing a shirt that said "It used to be wine, women and song, and now it's beer, the old lady, and T.V." I considered finding out who bought that shirt for him and putting them in the Cold Room. I walked north to Locust Walk and followed it east to the Furness Building. This is a great place to explore. Just go up the stairs and view the intricate glass windows, each containing its own clever saying. Another place to explore is Irvine Auditorium, right next door. Follow some of the stairways all the way around -- you feel like you're in a dungeon. It's great. At certain times, you can listen to an organ recital, which is always exciting. After you leave the darkness you'll need some fresh air for a while. Go into various buildings and see if you can climb onto their roofs. Just be careful. There's one that offers a great view of the Penn Relays and the city in general, but if I mention it they'll probably start locking the door, so you're on your own. The campus, of course, is only the beginning. I'm sure everyone has his or her own favorite little-known spot in the city or outside. If you want to head for the shore, by the way, the best beach in New Jersey is Wildwood, and it's free. Just thought I'd mention that. It's got a boardwalk, really fine sand, and great restaurants. You won't find red fish or turtles, but until May 30 you might be able to get away with bringing your dog. · Speaking of irrelevance, there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest: 1. To all the columnists who've been picking on Punch Bowl lately: You're just jealous because the magazine is much funnier than you could ever hope to be. The next one should be out within the next few days. Enjoy it, and don't be bitter. 2. Kerry Kennedy should not have been disqualified from the race for senior class President. I don't know her, but one day she introduced herself to me on the Walk and then took the time to explain what she wanted to accomplish. You don't stand on the Walk all day for three days to be disqualified over sign violations. I wonder about the candidates who brought her mistakes to light -- have they ever engaged in underage drinking? Isn't an actual crime worse than a sign violation? Shouldn't they all be disqualified? 3. As you party or study tomorrow night, don't forget to mourn the demise of "Growing Pains," "Who's the Boss" and "MacGyver." Actually, it's about time these tired old shows gave out. Also don't forget to celebrate the cancellation of "Perfect Strangers." Do one of those special Balki-dances from Mipos. 4. The trend of tacking these little cheesy bulleted sections onto the end of columns must be stopped. I for one pledge not to do it for the next three months. Seriously, it's unprofessional. If you can't write a whole column about one specific topic, if you need to share your irrelevant, witty quips with the world, get off this page and join Punch Bowl. · Caren Lissner is a junior English major with senior standing from Old Bridge, New Jersey who still doesn't know what she's doing this summer and is confused, so please give her a job, oh please oh please oh please. Pretty Sneaky Sis appeared alternate Fridays and purposely lacked a comma between the "Sneaky" part and the "Sis" part, for those who wondered.

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