COLUMN: "The Secret Makeup Conspiracy"

From Andrew Sernovitz's "Mall Rats With Big Hair," Spring '92. The University of Pennsylvania finally figured out that Penn students are not getting nearly enough nookie. In order to help us out, the administration is slowly, lovingly, screwing us hard. Deep down inside, everyone knows how it's happening. The Revlon Center is a scam. We are not getting a new student union. We are not gonna have a decent place to hang, be social, stage performances and run student activities. We are getting another shopping mall on campus. Here's the real scoop, homes. The Revlon Center is being sold to the developers of the failing Franklin Mills Mall. It is going to be a haven for cheesy stores, overpriced restaurants and other money-making ventures. Somehow, everyone has ignored the fact that every subsequent proposal for the building features fewer and fewer actual facilities for students. It has happened before. Houston Hall is supposedly the oldest student union in the country. You don't see many folks going down to the Bowl Room to hang out with the boys. Maybe if the Bowl Room lived up to it's name it would be a little more popular. Apparently, someone snuck onto campus and rented out all the student space to Little Caesar's and Company. Oops. The oldest student union in the country is now a money making machine for Penn. They get huge amounts of cash every month from the tenants. We get to use the Hall of Flags. It's really amazing how they managed to combine a "Hallowed Ivy Halls" motif with a post-modern "Greasy Bagel Bakery" decor. Secret plans were discovered last week to begin renting out the flagpoles, too. Now Penn State and SAE can join the Ivy league for a nominal fee. · Luckily, the alumni are also getting shafted. Sheldon calls up the rich guys and tells them that we need a new student union. Famous alums decide to shell out the bucks, help out the kids, and put their company name on the building. Penn gets $30,000,000 cash to build a building for free. The alums are happy that they've done some good. Once the U. has the cash, they slowly reveal the real plans. They want to build another shopping mall. To make money. So they screw the hangout space, the student group offices and the performing arts space. They fill the building with rent-paying stores that are going to suck us dry with outrageous prices and bad service. Penn gets another couple hundred grand-a-year from their new shopping mall. Pretty sneaky, huh? I'll bet my left nut that by the time the building is done, Penn students will have more room to hang out at Wawa than at the student center. If the Trustees called the money men and said "We want you to buy us a shopping mall," the alums would have told them to screw off. So Penn tricked 'em. This is really all part of the SECRET MAKEUP CONSPIRACY. Many students worry about using animals to test cosmetics. How come nobody has said a thing about the fact that the big cosmetics firms are doing live experiments on the girls in certain Penn sororities? So we've got the Revlon Center and the Lauder Institute. Next week they plan on revealing the name of the new building where Smith Hall used to be: The Vidal Sassoon Center for High Energy Physics. If you look at a map of campus, it's clear what's going on. They are slowly surrounding the school with shopping malls. On Spruce Street you've got Houston Hall and Stouffer. They just bought the strip mall on 40th street, and are putting stores in the new building on 40th and Walnut. Walnut will be lined with our lovely food court and the Revlon Center. Notice a pattern? · Hey seniors! Don't worry about the alums. You're getting screwed, too! Somehow the schools got us to give all the cash from the senior gift drive to the Revlon Center. According to the Gift Drive brochure, "we know that a plaque will immortalize our class contribution to the new building." Yea, right. The plaque is just going to say "SUCKER!" This whole Senior Gift Drive really takes balls. Maybe I'm confused. I'm supposed to give Penn 20 bucks? To "show our support for the University?" Ride the big Sheldon Sausage, baybee. Wasn't $80,000 enough support? If they want my money, they should get me a job. Here's a deal for you: Penn wants $19 so I can rent a cap and gown. I'll give them a 20, they can keep the change. Don't give to the Senior Gift Drive. Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats with Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.

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