COLUMN: "Allow Two Weeks For Shipping"

From Sumeet Goel's "I'm From Joisey! You From Joisey?", Spring '92 You've seen 'em. They measure depth of character by the number of Polo, J. Crew and Gap things that a person owns. C'mon, you know who you are. In case you are wondering whether or not you fall into this category, go to your closet. If you can go through your wardrobe and list every article of clothing by brand name, this is for you. Whether it be clothing, accessories, transportation, or even music, these selective but numerous Penn students follow one standard of conformity, be it theirs or not. If we start at the top of the body of this "Joe Penn," we encounter the head, and accordingly, the hat. Specifically, the blue hat with the red "P" on the front. Don't get me wrong, I support my school, but no one is wearing it for that reason. How many of you actually wear it at home in New Yawk, New Joisey or Long-Guy-land? Underneath the hat is the James Dean/Dylan/Brandon haircut. You know the one, and seeing that I've said enough about 90210 to last me a lifetime, I'll leave it at that. As we then move downwards, we arrive at the torso. The main attraction here is the J. Crew barn jacket (catalog number 7723B - $98). The only "originality" comes when you see students wearing ochre instead of bark. Don't forget what's underneath the jacket. At this time of year, we will see the J. Crew rollneck sweater more often than not. Otherwise, be on the lookout for the Gap/Polo button down shirt over a turtleneck or T-shirt. After this, we naturally come to the tan chinos with the leather interlock belt -- although I must say that there are some Joe Penns that deviate from the mean here. I often see different shades of tan and khaki on Locust Walk. Of course, footwear is always a must, and what Joe Penn wardrobe is complete without a pair of suede bucks? However, there is a way out of this; some of them actually claim their "independence" by being in the minority -- 40 percent -- and wearing Bass boat shoes instead. Our model Penn student also attends classes on occasion and, of course, needs a way to carry his belongings around. And what better way than in a stylish L.L. Bean backpack! To this day, I have yet to figure out what separates the L.L. Bean backpack from the Kieco ones sold on 40th and Locust, other than about $20. Now that Joe Penn's wardrobe is complete, he needs a way to get from point A to point B. Obviously, the only way to go is with a $500 Trek mountain bike. Damn, that 38th street bridge can be a bitch on the legs, can't it? And Locust Walk does oh-so-much damage to regular bike tires doesn't it? Just curious, but how many gears do you really need to get up that steep three degree incline from Meyerson to the high rises? We now have the complete, superficial Penn student. He claims to like college/alternative music although he can name more members of the New Kids than he can of Jane's Addiction. C'est la vie. The only consolation is that this is just a phase, and come graduation time, they will all -- as will we -- enter a new land of conformity, the real world. · You too can join the Sumeet Goel fan club. Send all letters to: Editorial Page Editor, The Daily Pennsylvanian, 4015 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA 19104. · JUST WONDERING #1: Can anyone suggest a derogatory term for a male slut? · JUST WONDERIN' #2: I'm having lyrical problems again, this time with Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Down on the Corner": Down on the corner, out in the street, Willie and the poor boys are playin, bring your _____ , tap your feet. _________ , and people just gotta smile, _________ , and solos for a while, _________ , on his ___ , and Willie goes into a dance and doubles on kazoo . . . Sumeet Goel is a sophomore Communications and Finance major from Parsippany, New Jersey. "I'm From Joisey! You From Joisey?" appears alternate Thursdays.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.