Is Mike Sirolly really as bland as toast?

Michael Sirolly would like you to believe that he's as bland as melba toast. Apparently, he told everyone who knows him to say only positive, moderately funny things about him. Take Sirolly's roommate, Engineering sophomore Galib Kachra, for example. After straining for a moment to describe Sirolly, Kachra finally said, "He eats a lot of cereal," adding, "He's hardly ever here. He's always over there [at the DP offices] or with Penn Singers." "He's a sloppy guy," Kachra continued. "He does a lot of singing in his room, but its not a problem because he's hardly ever here. No, I don't think there's any skeletons in his closet." Kachra wasn't the only one to find difficulty probing the enigma that is Mike Sirolly. College senior Apollo Ip, who had the good fortune of rooming with Sirolly last year, described the new editorial page editor as a "very strangely reticent boy" with a passion for singing Broadway show tunes while scantily clad. "He sings in the shower," Ip said. "Which is okay, 'cause I actually dig it." When pressed for more hard, cold information about Mike's sex life and financial dealings, Ip's only response was, "He has a very feeble cough in the morning and before he goes to bed. He appears and disappears and goes on with his life." Surely, there must be something dark and mysterious in Sirolly's past. Something really sick that David Lynch might appreciate. Perhaps he enjoyed blowing the heads off stuffed animals with M-80s? Maybe he traded pork futures using inside information? After all, the guy's in Wharton. The search for the real dirt on Sirolly took this intrepid reporter out into the heartland of Pennsylvania to that place where they grow the chocolate cows -- Hershey, Pa. It is there, just down-wind from Three Mile Island, where Sirolly spent most of his childhood under the watchful eyes of his parents, Charles and Sandra Sirolly. At first it seemed that Sandra Sirolly had been brainwashed like all the rest. She made it sound so idyllic -- like Mike was the very model of a fine, upstanding, all-American boy. As she tells it, Mike's always been a good kid. When he was just three, he had already learned to make Japanese garden mazes in the back yard. In Middle School, he bought a computer and learned enough programming skills to be paid $150 by a computer magazine for one of the games he designed. (A source at the Defense Department denied that Sirolly has contributed his programming skills to the nation's Strategic Defense Initiative, saying only, "We couldn't have kicked Iraq's ass without him.") At Hershey High, Sirolly had parts in all the school productions. He even joined the marching band, eventually "growing into the trombone" he played, according to his mother. On the side, Mike played intramural soccer. But then Mrs. Sirolly finally let some dirt slip out. It seems Mike used to eavesdrop on his relatives. Aaah Hah! Now we can see why he joined the DP. "As children, he and his younger brother and cousin, when the family would get together, they'd always publish a newspaper," Sandra Sirolly said. "They called it, The Noodle News. They'd interview whoever was visiting. They'd report on what was going on." "They used to try to eavesdrop on conversations," Mrs. Sirolly admitted. "Or at least that's what my sister says." There's no way around it, Mike Sirolly is a nebby gossip. And, as fortune would have it, he's become an editor at the Mecca and Medina for all nebby gossips everywhere -- The Daily Pennsylvanian. College Hall administrators, beware. Sirolly might be listening.

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