Column: Tips on How to Win Friends and Increase Your Popularity

In the 56 years since the book was first published, it's easy to imagine that such an important work might get lost in those stacks of Missouri Farm Reports and such on Van Pelt's shelves. So I took the time to locate it and tell you that it's right down in Rosengarten Reserve on the "BF" shelf. The twelve principles espoused as the goal of the book are still of great value to upwardly mobile students preparing for "The Real World" outside. Here are just a few of the things you will accomplish by reading Dale's advice: "1. Get out of a mental rut, think new thoughts, acquire new visions, new ambitions." 2. Make friends quickly and easily. 3. Increase your popularity. 4. Win new clients, new customers." Wow! Aren't these the very things we college students lust for? Popularity! Wealth! And it's all in one book! Forget all those long dreary Marketing classes. Drop those useless Comp Lit seminars! All you really need to know for success is in this one volume. For future marital happiness (an integral part of success and happiness), there are some things everyone should know. Dale writes an entire chapter of helpful hints on wedded bliss. Here is a list of questions Dale provides for you girls to make sure that all will be well in your household: "1. Do you give your husband complete freedom in his business affairs, and do you refrain from criticizing his associates, his choice of a secretary or the hours he keeps? 2. Do you try your best to make your home interesting and attractive? 3. Do you vary the household menu so that he never quite knows what to expect when he sits down to the table?" And the classic tip #8: "Do you compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of harmony?" Dale makes men ask themselves: "Are you careful never to criticize her before others?" And, "Do you thank her for the little jobs she does for you, such as sewing on a button, darning your socks, and sending your clothes to the cleaners?" For every positive answer you give to these and other questions you score ten points! And you insensitive men of the '90s should never think of forgetting to thank your wife for darning your socks! I once heard it said that literature ages quickly. But Dale gives advice that is not only pertinent to the '30s man, but is still valid today. For example, at the end of the "Twelve Ways To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking" chapter, Dale gives it to us "In a Nutshell." "Rule 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Rule 2: Never tell a man he is wrong." And of course this important one -- "Rule 10: Appeal to nobler motives." I feel however that Dale missed some very important tricks that (as I have uncovered through years of experimentation and study) will help the average Penn student to "Win Friends and Influence People." With the holidays approaching here is some of my concrete, proven advice to help in your quest for friends and fortune: 1. Show up to all family gatherings completely smashed and continue to drink throughout the party, preferably straight Absolut on the rocks or bottles of the host's best champagne -- and make a comment if it's not French. (This proven method shows that you feel comfortable with your company and is especially good if you have to spend the holidays with your step-parent's family or in-laws). 2. Whenever the family is about to say grace (say right before carving the T-Day turkey), stand up and declare yourself a strict atheist who abhors religious ceremonies created to brainwash the masses. (This will show people that the University has opened your mind to creative belief alternatives, and that you are no longer intimidated about sharing your new knowledge.) 3. Males should scratch themselves publicly as often as possible. (This shows that you are not embarrassed by your physical being. Get in touch with your personal myth, guys.) 4. Complain aloud if you get any gifts you really hate. 5. Reality is important in every child's growth, so make it a point to show all small children you encounter that Santa Claus is really a fake. (None of the other wish-washys will have the guts to break it to them.) · Yes, I'm sure that Dale would have wanted it this way. Good luck in your striving, "To Win Friends and Influence People." Brian Kennedy is a sophomore English from Newark, New Jersey. Never Mind the Bollocks appears alternate Thursdays.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.