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Wild Wednesday Cancelled This Week

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Please Help Penn Masala Find The Top 5 Hottest Girls On Campus!!

Wow! It has been a great day for all-male groups on campus!

Is Wild Wednesday Still On For Tomorrow?

Unclear.

Which Off Campus Frat Denied The Obama Sisters Entry?

As the not-so-subtle black secret service SUVs have hinted, we have not one but two special guests at Penn this weekend . . . Malia and Sasha Obama! You know, the daughters of Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America.

Spring Fling 2016: A Call To Action

Dear fellow Quakers,

List Of Demands For The UA

20(20) Things More Likely To Happen At Penn Than You Being Admitted

. . . And the decisions are in! Penn better brace itself for it’s BEST and most SELECTIVE class ever – we’re serious. The acceptance rate for the Class of 2020 was a jaw dropping 9.4%, which is the lowest acceptance rate in Penn’s history. So in honor of the great class of 2020, here are 20 things that are more likely to happen than you getting into Penn. 

UTB After Dark: Things (Non-Jesus) That Should Have Been Resurrected This Sunday

It's Easter Sunday! It's that special time of year when your Christian friends devour chocolate bunnies and your Jewish friends are confused. But Easter does more than just mark one of the two times per year that bad Catholics get dragged to mass with their grandparents. It's also a time of reflection. That's why we've been reflecting on some of the things that we would have liked to see resurrected today. Here's to wishful thinking!

Chance The Rapper Tickets And Other Things That Have Inflated 233%

Since Saturday's Fling headliner reveal, campus has been abuzz with all things Chance. Who is he? How does one win a floor pass? And wasn't he that guy who came for a SPEC-trum concert in 2013? 

10 Other Irish Things To Celebrate For St. Paddy's

Happy St. Fratty's Day to all! As Penn honors the long-held tradition of rescheduling St. Paddy's for the most convenient Saturday, Quakers are guzzling Guinness and rocking shamrocks. BASIC. In addition to pulling that wrinkly green shirt out of your laundry, here are a few suggestions for other pieces of Irish cultural heritage to celebrate on this day of drunk debauchery:  

Who’s Coming For Fling? Our Top Ten Worst Case Scenarios

As we wait anxiously to find out who’s headlining Fling, we have a lot of questions. Will it be another EDM artist? Will the dancing penises return for a cameo? Only time will tell. For now, we can only hope that whoever it is will better than the following craftspeople: 

50 Things We Really Need A Break From

Spring Break is finally here! And it's just in time, because you really, really need a break from the following things:

How To Study Over Spring Break Without Really Trying

When all your friends complain about this being the worst week of their lives, do you just sit back and roll your eyes because you have midterms AFTER break? Well if this is you- cheer up! Here are some practical ways to study over break and still have a good time.

Sex, Drugs, And Other Awkward Things To Discuss With Your Rabbi

Tonight is Penn's third annual "Let's Talk About Sex Shabbat." Spiritual discussions of hanky-panky habits will happen during Shabbat dinners all over campus before participants head to Copa for an open bar. We get it, campus rabbis. You're not like regular rabbis. You're cool rabbis. 

PSA: Your Big Isn't Actually The Best

Hide yo kids hide yo wife because social media is about to blow up. That’s right folks, big little week is upon us and there’s nothing for the rest of us to do except watch half-naked freshmen boys awkwardly strip tease on the Ivy League snap story. It’s time for everyone to disable their Insta accounts, because girls across campus are about to flock to the Internet to proclaim their love for a human being they met literally 2 weeks ago. To the freshmen girls out there: while we’re happy that you and your owl pal/strawberry sister/phi phriend are in a successful arranged marriage big-little pairing, we’re already sick of seeing #linlove on our Facebook timelines. So, while you might think that your big is “actually the greatest”, we’re here to give you 30 reasons she might not be:

30 Rejected Questions For Caitlyn Jenner

Even though we're pumped Caitlyn Jenner is coming to Penn today, we're a little upset that we had to submit our questions for screening. What ever happened to free speech? How will we ever get the answers we need? Below are 30 rejected questions that we might never know the answer to. Well, Caitlyn, if you're reading this, maybe you can help us out.  

How To Get Out Of Your Housing Commitments For Next Year

As the inter-housing process draws to a close, you might find that you're not quite pleased with how the cookie crumbled. Not to worry, we've got some stress-free strategies for those of you who want to shimmy out of any number of hasty housing promises you might've made in the heat of the moment and are now coming to regret. 

Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part II

Happy Valentine’s Day! If you ran out of time to head to CVS or you’re afraid to go outside, UTB has got you covered with a second round of sophisticated, authentic, and beautiful V-day cards below. As the polar vortex unleashes its fury upon us (probs because it’s single), remember to show your appreciation for those you love- significant others, favorite meals, a pillow that you sometimes pretend is your boyfriend. Anything, really!

Valentine's Day: Expectations Versus Reality

With Valentine's Day only a day away, we thought we'd prepare you for everyone's favorite day of the year the right way. With expectations held high, it's never too early to predict what's really about to come. Chances are at least one of these will happen to you tomorrow:

UTB's Guide to Galentine's Day

Planning a Galentine's Day celebration with your bestie/house/srat group chat, complete with Grey's, wine, and endless bitching about how you're going to totally going to die alone even though you're 19 and could literally have three 20-year marriages before you even start developing dementia?