Search Results
Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
(05/17/17 6:53pm)
When Norman Fishman (W ’89) returned to campus during Alumni weekend, there was only one site he wanted to see: Ben on the Bench, the urea-painted statue on 37th and Locust. So, while the rest of his classmates enjoyed a picnic and reminisced about wholesome collegiate experiences, Fishman dragged his family to the spot where he once "heroically" desecrated an American legend.
(05/15/17 5:13pm)
This past weekend, from May 12-15, Penn alumni of all ages and privileged backgrounds gathered on campus to reconnect with former classmates and faculty. However, attendees were shocked by the appearance of one unexpected guest on Saturday. President Amy Gutmann made an impromptu presentation on campus, attempting to solicit money as a result of her heart-wrenching 2.7% salary decrease.
(04/28/17 9:29pm)
You may know of Clyde Kelly, the Penn student “famous” for rapping who was a consultant at McKinsey & Company before enrolling at Wharton for an MBA. However, some talented Penn students prefer to fly under the radar, such as Josh Ross, an PhD student in Chemical Engineering. Ross isn’t a rapper—in fact, he has no musical ability whatsoever— but claims there is something that makes him stand out slightly among his peers.
(04/13/17 8:47pm)
After reading the tenth email from admissions pleading for students to volunteer as hosts for Quaker Days, freshman Abby Kipling signed up. She acknowledged that her admitted student could potentially be weird, smelly, or likely both, but did not expect to receive and be obliged to care for three live tigers.
(04/11/17 3:58pm)
It took the Jews hundreds of years to be liberated from slavery in Egypt, but only forty-five seconds for College sophomore Ari Katz to break free from students handing out flyers on Locust Walk.
(04/07/17 5:13pm)
Penn spends over $900 million on research annually, and it looks like it’s finally starting to pay off. Researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine have developed a pill that, when taken, causes the user to experience a euphoria almost identical to that of crossing the street and receiving a green light in both directions.
(03/24/17 6:01pm)
It was in the middle of his sociology lecture that Joseph Cohen had a revelation.
(03/04/17 5:24pm)
It's happened at Carnegie Mellon, MIT, UC San Diego, recently at fellow Ivy Columbia, and now, unfortunately, at Penn. This week, Penn Admissions committed the painfully common mistake of sending out acceptances to those not actually accepted, accidentally emailing the news to every high-school senior in the country whose family possesses a degree of wealth in the top one-percent of all U.S. households. Affluent teens from all over the country were ecstatic when they opened their golden MacBooks to see an email titled “Hurrah!" informing them of their acceptance.
(02/24/17 6:16pm)
In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.
(02/17/17 5:39pm)
Times are tough at the School of Veterinary Medicine. In his new budget proposal, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf proposed a $30 million cut in state funding to the Vet School, infamous for its regular collection of semen from stallions for reproductive and research purposes. Even though Penn is a private university, certain higher-education programs in Pennsylvania, like the Vet School, receive funding from the Commonwealth. (Ed. note: The Vet School does other things besides masturbate horses. But, because those things are not masturbating horses they are unimportant.)
(02/13/17 4:03pm)
You may have been a victim of the recent phishing scam sent out to numerous Penn students, asking for the recipients to input their PennKey and password into a fake website. You also may have been foolish enough to fall for it, in which case you should send an email to scam@underthebutton.com with your credit card number and security code so we can be sure nothing like that ever happens again. (Do it.)
(02/10/17 8:59pm)
There are lots of things happening at Penn. Some of those things were probably covered at the “State of the School” event, although no one at UTB would know because we did not attend. Nonetheless, because we are a professional publication, we will review it and present a 100% accurate recap of what happened.
(02/03/17 7:42pm)
On Wednesday of this week, the slickest financial minds in West Philly (upperclassman in Wharton) gathered at Huntsman Hall to give internship advice to young aspiring leech—we mean, business students. The upperclassmen told of personal experiences and provided tips on how to acquire unpaid slave positions. Refreshments were provided at $10,000 a plate.
(01/24/17 7:14pm)
About two months ago, we at UTB decided to download Tapingo (FYI it's pronounced "tuh-PING-oh", according to the company), a food delivery app recently adopted by Penn Dining and surrounding restaurants. We have not used it since, and we're pretty sure that it knows. A few days ago, this notification popped up:
(01/21/17 9:40pm)
In 1946, researchers at Penn’s Moore School of Electrical Engineering developed ENIAC, the world’s first general-purpose digital computer. The milestone is hailed as the beginning of the global computer revolution.
(01/16/17 8:25pm)
Let’s face it: Penn Dining is not universally acclaimed. Despite efforts to improve through focus groups, some students still describe the options as "what?" or "yeah, I guess that's food." And for the steep price, some parents are left wanting more.
(01/13/17 8:52pm)
Rush is a stressful time for anyone seeking to validate their value as a human being, and it’s easy to get caught up in joining the “coolest” or “least-rapey” fraternities. However, many options exist beyond your run-of-the-mill, binge-drinking bro-brothels, so be sure to consider these lesser-known frats this week.
(12/12/16 9:11pm)
Due to significant backlash against the sudden font change in Canvas, Penn administration has decided to change the font once again—this time to Wingdings. The switch clearly provides Canvas with a more professional appearance, and Wingding's symbolic nature may facilitate communication with the sizable illiterate community at Penn.
(12/08/16 5:21pm)
If you can get through this video without tearing up, then you have no heart. A Penn fraternity brother (who shall remain anonymous) wanted to take the most special woman on campus, President Amy Gutmann, to his formal, so he created this heartfelt plea to win her heart. Can you say magical? Amy, please reach out to us if you want to know the identity of this young man.
(12/05/16 5:30pm)
Fresh off their collab with Chief Keef, the Shabbatones performed their show MilesTONES at the Penn Museum this past Saturday night. The Shabbatones are Penn’s only coed Jewish a capella group, because more would be absurd. The group, which performs a wide variety of music from pop songs in English to pop songs in Hebrew, was founded 15 years ago by singers who were tired of performing songs that the audience could understand.