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(02/14/17 5:23pm)
Happy Valentine's Day, Penn. Whether you're looking to seal the deal for a V-Day hookup or spice up your long-term relationship, these cards will (maybe) do the job. Enjoy Part I and Part II while you're at it!
(01/31/17 8:15pm)
UTB’s thoroughly researched, long-awaited Ivy rankings have concluded that Cornell University is the best school in the Ivy League. The scale used to determine the rankings rewarded schools that have the fewest restaurants per square mile, tallest residential buildings (bonus if the elevators are under construction!), and most niche academic programs.
(01/23/17 9:23pm)
Penn Dining sent a thrilling email to students Friday afternoon revealing their long-awaited “Meatless Monday” lunches at dining halls. The Sweetgreen line, full of Canada Geese and Stan Smiths, instantly vanished as word of Meatless Mondays flooded students’ inboxes.
(01/12/17 6:29pm)
PennInTouch, famous for being very important to those who want to know when and where they need to be for class, was overloaded and inaccessible on the first day of classes. Who could be so dastardly, so malicious as to throw a wrench in the academic workings of Penn? There is no one to blame for PennInTouch’s ill-timed shutdown than Sarah Palin’s western neighbors.
(12/12/16 5:56pm)
With formals/finals szn in full swing, you spent the weekend either dressing up for a night you won’t remember, dressing down for an afternoon in VP that you’ve already forgotten, or both if you choose to embrace the social Ivy’s “work hard, play hard” mentality of drinking to relieve Sunday-Wednesday’s academic stress! Yay, parties!
(12/05/16 7:13pm)
Add American Apparel, along with Cosi, to the list of bankrupt retailers around Penn’s campus. The company’s second bankruptcy this year means winding down operations and now massive sales on their overpriced, unforgiving, solid-colored, all-cotton clothing.
(11/28/16 4:29pm)
Who needs the Internet, endless deals on products that soften the blow of your emotional instability and another excuse to abuse your parents’ credit card, when you can continue your binge eating/drinking streak from this weekend?
(11/23/16 6:47pm)
Thanksgiving: the day when unbuttoning your pants at the dinner table is finally sort of socially acceptable, you successfully (or unsuccessfully) avoid these conversations with your aunt twice removed from the depths of Texas, and you overdose on Pedialyte after a night of drowning in alcohol with the few remaining hometown homies.
(10/31/16 4:46pm)
Whip out your Ouija boards, throw on the nearest piece of khaki-colored clothing and pretend to know what the fuck “crikey” means, because we need Steve Irwin now more than ever. A croc was recently spotted in the Schuylkill River, and we're not talking about the elegant, practical foam shoes.
(10/24/16 5:18pm)
Ah, the Monday before Halloween/Homecoming. The sun is
shining, your Amazon Prime packages are on their way with some last minute accessories, and your “P” sweater is itching to be worn. Here are a few events to add to your already packed social calendar for this week.