Incoming Penn Freshman Excited To Peak
(04/27/17 8:07pm)
High school senior Anna Johnson can finally be herself. All throughout high school, Johnson was deliberately uncool to avoid peaking.
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BREAKING: High School Senior Gets Into All 8 Ivies, Chooses Cornell
(04/20/17 3:28pm)
No one could have possibly predicted this outcome. John Windsor, a high school senior from Hartford, CT, was ecstatic upon being accepted into every single Ivy League school this spring. His family was thrilled too, although they were not surprised - they were under the common misconception that smart people automatically get accepted into all of the top schools. To clarify for those who are similarly confused, very few students ever have gotten into all 8 Ivies. For those who do, most frequently they choose to attend Harvard, Yale, or Princeton.
Passover Terms for Penn Students
(04/10/17 8:01pm)
Many Penn students, both Jewish and non-Jewish, will spend tonight at the first Passover seder. To those students who are not Jewish, the seder may look like a very drawn out dinner with a bunch of weird things thrown on a plate together. A lot of the items on the seder plate have many meanings and interpretations from the story of Passover, but we decided to make the holiday a little easier to understand by relating each symbol to Penn.
Meth Lab Discovered In Perry World House?
(04/06/17 3:16pm)
We all knew this was coming. The signs were all there, including several handwritten “meth lab heer” notes on lined paper. But it took the greatest investigative journalism publication on campus to finally uncover the truth - there is a meth lab under Perry World House.
I Thought I'd Hit Rock Bottom, Then My Shoe Came Untied
(03/31/17 8:25pm)
I thought I’d hit rock bottom. Someone took my Canada Goose jacket from a frat party with my keys in the pocket. And when I posted about it on the Class of 2020 Facebook page, all of my friends made fun of me. Later, I missed Joe Biden’s talk because my computer crashed when I tried to buy tickets. Then I tripped on a loose brick on Locust trying to avoid talking to some UA candidate.
The One Thing Wharton DOESN'T Want Prospective Students to Know
(03/29/17 6:13pm)
Tomorrow, the prospective class of 2021 Wharton students will get their application decisions. From the outside, it seems like Wharton is just a super exclusive club, where all the classes have unnecessarily long names with funny sounding acronyms, like PEPTO101 and BISMOL250. Luckily, Under the Button is revealing the one thing Wharton doesn’t want prospective students to know.
BREAKING: Amy Gutmann's Refusal to Shake Princeton President’s Hand is All a Big Misunderstanding
(03/23/17 3:35pm)
“It all got terribly out of hand,” Gutmann said as she brainstormed puns that have to do with hands. This past Friday, President Gutmann had a meeting with Princeton President Christopher L. Eisgruber. As the two were posing for pictures, video footage revealed various photographers requested that the two shake hands, in addition to President Eisgruber himself asking to shake hands. However, Gutmann kept her hands firmly by her side and did not acknowledge the requests for a handshake.
Wear Green Tomorrow For Environmental Awareness!
(03/16/17 5:01pm)
UTB is thrilled to announce our very first Environmental Awareness event! This Friday, we’re asking everyone to WEAR GREEN to raise awareness for the environment!
Epic Fail: These Dumbass Trees Bloomed Too Early, and Paid the Price
(03/15/17 9:57pm)
Those who have experience with coming too early can probably sympathize with some of the trees around campus right now. After a stretch of warm weather during the month of February, various trees got tricked into blooming before the winter was over. Like the people who packed away their sweaters and pulled out their shorts, local trees thought they were clear of the cold weather. You'd almost think trees have no way of accessing weather forecasts. Like, it's 2017, just check your phone.
Student Born on Leap Year Deserves Special Treatment Because He's 5, Classmates Agree
(03/02/17 11:22pm)
Usually Penn doesn’t accept prodigies who are younger than 12 years old, but this past year they made an exception. Lee Piere (C ‘19) is Penn’s first and only 5-year-old student. Standing at a mere 6’1 and weighing 210 pounds, Lee has always been exceptional for his age. In fact, he reads at a 10th grade level. His parents gushed that he’s "very mature," and that they “wish he would stop telling people he's 5 years old."
Top Seven Oscars of All Time
(02/27/17 2:16am)
When the UTB writers heard that the Oscars are going to be on TV tonight, we decided to make a list of our favorites. Take a look!
Fill Out Our Survey About the Penn Administration, Media, and Campus Climate
(02/23/17 11:02pm)
This survey will help us make UTB, and Penn, better for everybody. It could, perhaps, be compared to Trump's Mainstream Media Accountability Survey. Please scroll down through the questions, and answer as accurately as possible.
Does Penn Hate America?
(02/20/17 7:51pm)
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you may have noticed that there were/are a lot of visitors at Penn this weekend. No, it’s not just Global Warming enthusiasts who came to enjoy the warm weather - it’s because most schools in America have today, and for some even tomorrow off of school. That’s because today is President’s Day. But why doesn’t Penn have off?
UTB Reviews: Two-Hour Intro To Beekeeping Workshop 2017
(02/17/17 8:00pm)
**note: Although the event has yet to take place, we weren’t planning on going anyways, so this premature review should suffice.
Students Come Together for National Pet Theft Awareness Day
(02/14/17 7:03pm)
As all of our readers know, today is National Pet Theft Awareness Day. But to anyone who happens to be unfamiliar with the holiday, it occurs in the United States of America every February 14th, making this otherwise-innocuous February day remarkable. It is one of the most popular holidays in the country, and companies like Hallmark make big bucks off of it every year. This year, NPTAD truly couldn’t come soon enough. Amy Gutmann’s aggressive tweets have been alienating many, people have been tripping all over Locust Walk, and some students went a little too hard last weekend (okay, in terms of studying). What we’re saying is, Penn students really needed a pick-me-up. And what's a better fix than spreading the word about Pet Theft?
Did Global Warming Kill Club Penguin, Or Was It Obama?
(02/06/17 7:31pm)
Approximately two months ago, UTB published an article citing the popular social networking/gaming site Club Penguin as proof that global warming does not exist. Then, on January 31st, just eleven days after President Barack Obama left the White House, Club Penguin announced that it is shutting down. The well-loved virtual reality will be replaced by the mobile program, “Club Penguin Island”: a tropical version of the frozen tundra we’re used to.
How To Explain Groundhog Day To An International Student
(02/02/17 9:48pm)
If you grew up in America, you probably don’t really think twice about Groundhog Day other than to find out if Punxsutawney 5.0 says there’s gonna be 6 more weeks of winter. But for anyone who did not grow up in the US, Groundhog Day is probably the weirdest American event since the election of Donald Trump. UTB took it upon ourselves to educate some of these sheltered students, and here’s how it turned out:
Girl Scouts to Set Up Shop Outside Bio Pond
(01/23/17 7:55pm)
It’s common knowledge that Penn is well known partially for the excellence of our business school, famous for its esteemed faculty and more recently, according to the New Yorker, as the school where President Trump did a “stint.” But Wharton students are basically amateurs in comparison to the real business gurus of the world: dominant in the dessert industry and the movement for American obesity, Girl Scouts have got us all exactly where they want us.
UTB Demands Photo Evidence Of Dean Furda's Existence
(12/14/16 1:17am)
UTB recently uncovered some sketchy stuff about the Daily Pennsylvanian’s photo(s?) of Dean Furda. After a radical public outcry, we felt obligated to go further with our investigative journalism.
11 Of The Best Posts From The Penn ED Class Of 2021 College Confidential Thread
(12/09/16 9:13pm)
Penn Class of 2021 Early Decision came out today at 3:00, so UTB hit up the College Confidential ED thread to see how the applicants were doing before decisions came out. Here’s the best stuff we found: