This time, the end might indeed be nigh.
When Weenies then-junior fullback/safety Matt Mantica proclaimed that the end of DPOSTM’s run of success was in sight at last year’s Kamin Cup, the incoming president’s prediction seemed ludicrous. Nobody beats DPOSTM.
But as the sports section sought its ninth straight win in the annual affair, the Weenies gave them the scare of a century. Thanks to terrible first-half quarterback play and general leadership incompetence, DPOSTM found itself down 28-7, forced to rally and survive on the arm of then-junior senior sports editor-elect Riley Steele.
In its stirring comeback, DPOSTM ensured that the end was not nigh … for the present.
Now, entering the 131st version of the Grandaddy of DP Social Events, questions abound for DPOSTM. And the answers aren’t becoming as clear as the next board’s business manager choice.
Now a senior, Steele is playing his final Kamin Cup. So are veterans Buzzie Dalyn Tydings and wide receiver Alexis Ziebelman, the latter of whom missed last season’s edition due to mono.
On top of that, a handful of other prominent sports figures are on their way out of DPOSTM. Naturally, the concern starts at the top.
After two years of helping DPOSTM to success, President-elect Colin Henderson has changed sides after the recent election. The junior cross country enthusiast and Sigourney Weaver lookalike joins a Weenies squad lacking in talent.
“Honestly, I don’t really feel like I’ve been a sports editor for the past semester,” the former sports editor said. “After taking over as DPICT manager in the fall, most of my focus has been on my imminent presidency, and there’s no question I’ve been more involved with the Weenies ever since.
“Sports hits singles. I want to hit home runs. If we fail, it won’t be for a lack of trying.”
For some, it’s sad to see the former editors leave their ranks. 14 year-old sophomore tight end Ilana Wurman will also be out of the department at this time next year.
But as one member leaves, others join, ensuring that there is a constant wealth of talent in DPOSTM. The non-Weenies have an abundance of young skill ready to ravage the actual Weenies on the field.
Joining the squad in 2015 is former copy associate Nick Buchta, who Steele — DPOSTM’s returning quarterback, wide receiver and head coach — sees as a lite, zero-calorie version of himself.
“Honestly, Nick brings a lot of the same qualities to the department that I did as a junior,” the Dorado, Puerto Rico, Geneva, Switzerland, Cincinnati, Ohio, and Sioux City, Iowa, native said. “I’m not here to praise our players, but the man can deal it out. He may not be our quarterback of the future, but right now he’s our man somewhere.”
Buchta will be looked upon to lead a sports department that is seeking its tenth consecutive victory in the Kamin Cup. It’s a streak that the Clevelander’s teammates look upon as one of the founding principles of the only section that matters — a sacred tradition passed on from year to year.
“I honestly don’t know when the last time we lost to the Weenies was,” junior squash enthusiast Corey Henry said. “If we lose now, it’ll be more of an upset than me beating [former professional squash player] Gilly Lane on Wednesday.”
The junior receiver ran the Philadelphia Marathon in a carrot suit as preparation for the Kamin Cup and to get his full dose of beta carotene. After having a bite taken out of him, Henry is a game-time decision on Wednesday.
If he can’t go against the Weenies, it will be up to salty sophomore Mark Sanchez fan Will Agathis to take his place. With its dynamite trio of other sophomores lined up outside — Memes Rothman, Thomas Munson and Tom Nowlan — DPOSTM should have no trouble completing deep balls against a depleted Weenies secondary.
“It’s hard to argue that we haven’t played up to our potential in recent years,” Mantica noted. “I’m sorry.”
The Weenies, despite their recent losing streak, bring an abundance of confidence into the vaunted matchup. Weenies receiver Carter Coudriet who, like Henderson, is a former DPOSTMite, thinks a win is a given for the out-of-shape squad.
“I was in the office the other day, and I said ‘This is News versus the rest of the DP, sports is irrelevant.’ And I truly believe that,” the sophomore said.
“Look, I have no idea what I want to do at this paper. But that’s irrelevant … just like the sports department.”
“Look at the analytics,” Tydings added. “Numbers never lie. Except when they do. Because DPOSTM is going to take this game like Dartmouth took the Ivy title. Boom, roasted!”
While Coudriet may not understand the format of the Kamin Cup, his point is clear: The Weenies are no longer here to mess around. In looking to build off of last year’s close finish, the team has been preparing hastily for this year’s ass-whooping. But it may be all for naught.
“Coudriet better not come at me, or else we might have to Carter him off the field,” Rothman said. “And if Henderson tries to test Memes Island, we might need to Colin an ambulance for him as well.
“Look, I live with [Coudriet], and there’s no chance he’s torching anyone,” DPOSTM editor, defensive coordinator and Coudriet’s floormate #HoldenMcGinnis added. “The man hasn’t been to Pottruck since ‘Nam, but I’m just a hashtag so take this all at face value.”
#McGinnis will find himself utilized both in the running game and through the air out of the backfield. His performance will also largely be measured by how well he ensures each team follows the DP’s bylaws.
“The officiating was a joke last year,” #McGinnis mentioned. “This is all off the record.”
Although swimming beat first team All-Ivy selection Laine Higgins has to miss the game due to academic misconduct, sophomores Anna Dyer and Malexis Ziebelfine will do their due diligence on defense to limit the Weenies.
That duo, along with freshie lil b*****s Jonathan “Worst Pledge” Pollack, Andrew “Smoochie” Zheng, Jacob ****ing Snyder and Cole “Not Steven” Jacobson could prove lethal at forcing stops against whoever actually shows up for the opposing side.
“There are only 11 new writers in DPOSTM,” defensive end Cass Dinh said. “To be one of those … it gives me goosebumps.”
While DPOSTM is obviously a side filled thoroughly with veterans and irreplaceable porn stars, the future looks bright for the department, even as the Weenies insist their demise is approaching as quickly as the conclusion of the 131.
So while the Weenies claim the end is nigh for DPOSTM, only Wednesday’s game will tell. A loss would not shut down the sports section like it was the video department or any of the 10 editors and managers that quit.
“If we win this game, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll retire,” Munson said. “And I won’t go to Columbia.”
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