Adam Silver | Saying sorry to my subletters

Guest column | No price would have been fair to pay for my apartment

· August 28, 2012, 10:14 pm

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Dear Subletters,

I am sincerely sorry. You and I both know what I did — I misled you, I gave you false hope and I broke your trust. I sublet my Hamilton Court apartment to you.

The unit is so filth-ridden, disgusting and rodent-ified that moving into my fraternity house will be a sanitary upgrade.

When we first met, I laid the charm on thick. I gave you a tour of the apartment, strategically avoiding the bathroom with cockroaches, and you bought it. I could see your eyes widen as you imagined living there — it would be perfect for your summer needs.

As I showed you around, you were impressed. I explained, “It’s not quite the Radian, but it’s really been a great apartment. I just think HamCo gets a bad rap. And, I mean, it has exposed brick. Who doesn’t love exposed brick?”

I don’t. HamCo has ruined exposed brick for me.

To say that Hamilton Court is a pleasant living experience is like saying a quick bite to eat at Gigi and Big R’s food truck is a pleasant dining experience — it’s just untrue.

HamCo is essentially an overpriced slum that caters to Penn students. For those of you who have never entered HamCo, the “court” is less like a courtyard and more like the love child of a city dump and a parking lot. It is miserable.

Subletters, I know I told you that pets were not allowed in HamCo, but that is simply because it already comes with pets. Most doorways in the building have about two inches of clearance from the ground so that pests, bugs and rodents can come and go at their leisure — thank God for that!

The court has some great wildlife. Last fall, I witnessed two rats fight over the contents of an old pizza box.

I know that I cheerfully said, “The cable comes with over 60 channels — including Animal Planet!” I really should have explained that the best way to get your nature fix is by watching the courtyard security camera.

I assured you that rent includes utilities, even internet. Well, that is only theoretically true. Internet is included in the sense that you have access to a Wi-Fi username and password. Hamilton Court, however, doesn’t bother to make the internet actually work in your room. Sorry about it.

Subletters, I know what you are thinking: “Oh Adam, don’t feel bad. You gave us the best deal ever — over $200 below the monthly rent. How could we be mad at you?” While that is true, I still screwed you over — no price would have been a fair one.

So again, I apologize. Sorry for being deceitful and sorry that you trusted me. Hopefully, next time you look for affordable summer housing, you will go somewhere that is plush in air conditioning and internet while remaining free of bugs and cranky hipsters.

Can we still be friends?

— Adam

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