*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.

Call him “Grube the n00b” no longer.

On the heels of Al Bagnoli’s promotion to Athletic Director, athletic communications assistant Justin Grube was appointed to take the head football coaching position.

Grube will rise to the position just months after joining the Penn Athletics communications staff.

“I had big shoes to fill as Lizzie Barlow’s replacement,” Grube said. “The hazing was the worst. Chas Dorman made me wash his clothes once a month — it was only two sweatshirts, though.”

“Who’s laughing now, Mahoney?”

Grube is a recent graduate of nearby Alvernia College, which nobody has ever heard of.

While largely unqualified for the position of a Division I football coach, especially a two-time defending conference champion, Grube more than makes up for his shortcomings with his loveable personality and overall confidence.

“It’s really great because they were paying me in pizza and housing me in that dump, Sansom West,” Grube said. “My mom couldn’t be more proud.”

In fact, Franklin Field’s new head man received a ringing endorsement from his 33rd Street neighbor.

“I have tremendous respect for his ability to write short recaps of squash matches and gymnastics meets,” said men’s basketball coach Jerome Allen after some initial confusion as to who Grube was.

His co-workers are ecstatic about Grube’s promotion.

“It’s going to be weird going from his boss to answering to him,” associate director of athletic communications Eric Dolan said.

Grube added that he plans to find positions on his coaching staff for all of his colleagues in athletic communications.

Dolan, he said, will be driving the helmet-cart come September.

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