A Likely Story | Confessions of a grade nut

You, dear reader, are probably a failure.

Chances are that you are no longer part of the best and brightest class to ever stroll down Locust Walk — I believe the soon-to-be-admitted class of 2015 is.

And remember that B you got? Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if you also flunked the midterm.

But wait — I am not here solely to remind you of your past failure.

See, I’ve been there too. I’ve felt morose after an exam and lost all certainty (if only for a day or two) after being handed back an unsatisfactory paper.

These events usually result in emotions that I am not entirely prepared to handle — a consequence, I believe, of the absurd, unfounded confidence that I used to feel freshman year.

I still remember when I was told, in a matter-of-fact way, that my class was destined for jaw-dropping accomplishments and academic superbness. And I bought it. I knew then that we were already something to be reckoned with.

Two-and-a-half years later, I have discovered that this sort of smugness must be earned the hard way.

In fact, throughout my time as a Penn student I have been truly sure only of the fact that doubt has defined me a great deal more than assuredness.

Curious about the way other Penn students stand on this dealing with disappointments, I consulted a couple of them and was comforted to find consensus. We agreed on the idea that Penn fosters a very competitive environment and that, as a result, we are embarrassed to talk about not always doing well.

What’s more, we look at each other as if the other person is always getting straight A’s, which naturally makes talking about our occasional lack of success all the more difficult.

To make you feel better, just in case you need some reassurance or resemble my often-insecure self in any way, I have decided to spill my guts.

Here, some of my most failure-ridden memories:

• Basically failing my first ECON 001 midterm. Why did I, the least mathematically inclined person on campus, ever decide to take economics is the true question here. This is the first time that I remember clearly failing at Penn. Had I walked over the compass accidentally? Was I less awesome than what I had imagined myself to be? Would I ever get a job?

• Trying out for the stand-up comedy troupe and being rejected. Twice. I have never been the type to put on a show but a summer of watching Funny People and a childish love for the likes of Ricky Gervais and Larry David made me think that a) I could do it and b) it would be awesome. Trying out was as fun as it was difficult. I got called for a second round, got told I was a “good writer” and then I didn’t make the final cut (yes, twice). I was left disappointed and unsure of the power of my wit.

• Having to drop a class because I was overwhelmed with work. I never thought that I would be unable to handle anything until I found myself crying because it all got to be too much. Needless to say, I lost faith in my ability to juggle all my commitments.

Even if my freshman self is gagging a little in her mouth as I write this, my junior self is convinced of the importance of coming to terms with imperfection and of not letting a failed assignment make you question your worthiness.

My junior self also believes that our futures will not be necessarily bleaker because of it.

Maybe we will be something to be reckoned with precisely because we let vulnerability hang out with us and not, as a more ridiculous version of me would suggest, in spite of it.

Sara Brenes-Akerman is a College junior from San José, Costa Rica. Her e-mail address is brenesakerman@theDP.com. A Likely Story appears every Wednesday.

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