*Sigma Nu suspended indefinitely

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

Looks like it's out with the old - and out with the Nu.

After a few incidents at a Sigma Nu-sponsored party this weekend at Club 27 downtown, the IFC announced on Monday that it would be suspending the fraternity's charter indefinitely and that they would lose their house at 38th and Walnut streets at the end of the semester.

"There's only so much the IFC can tolerate," the Council said in an official statement. "We simply cannot allow a Greek organization to set this kind of example for the Penn community."

Sigma Nu's national headquarters only issued a statement but is rumored to have sent bottles of Gray Goose Vodka, several techno albums and a 10-gallon bucket of hair gel to the fraternity as a congratulatory gesture.

"What is the University doing to our rep?" the statement read.

Police reported several incidents at the club and may also pursue charges against a Sigma Nu sophomore for bringing his pet alligator to the club for a fight with Rodney, the official pit bull of St. Elmo's.

"I had mad money on that fight," a Sigma Nu brother said. "I mean, it's not like I won't be able to throw down on bottle service tomorrow, but it was still a lot of money. "

Much to the disdain of freshman women across campus, legal trouble has become commonplace for the Sigma Nu fraternity over the past few months, as they have accumulated weekly sanctions from the IFC and over 100 violations from the Philadelphia Police Department.

Between the notorious "Force Feed a Pledge" event that resulted in an emergency surgery at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania and the "Derelict" themed party thrown at Denim Lounge in the fall, Sigma Nu has been the focus of much scrutiny.

Yet Sigma Nu's troubles have made it the most popular Greek organization on campus among freshman men, as over 80 percent of prospective Penn Greeks ranked it as their first choice for the past three years.

And, while the University may no longer recognize it as a traditional fraternity, it looks like Sigma Nu isn't really going anywhere.

"Yeah, I mean everyone knew they were getting kicked off campus eventually, but what difference does that make?" freshman Josh Goldplate said. "The parties will probably be even sweeter now."

Goldplate added he would likely pursue a bid to 'Neo,' the unauthorized, unofficial and totally hot underground manifestation of Sigma Nu.

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