PrognostiQuakers

Seeking a little exciting nightlife, we decided to stroll down Walnut St. for the Halloween tour of University President Judy Rodin's supposed "crib." What we found was pretty darn scary: A witchy President J-Ro. Most seemed to find it amusing, but we were just plain intrigued. If she really were a witch, she'd have a bubbling cauldron - with which to predict the predictable outcome for this weekend's game against Brown - stashed somewhere in the basement, far from the wandering eyes of scantily-clad devils, cutesy bunnies and. Elvis. Smiling, we said our hellos, snatched some Starbursts and began searching for a trap door in the library. But alas, just like the Brown Bears will be this weekend, we were trapped. (For those of you keeping score, that's now two bad puns in this article.) A somewhat tipsy Trustee in a bandana appeared. "Halt, who goes there!" he slurred. "Uhhhhh. We just wanted to know who's going to win this weekend's Homecoming football game against Brown," we calmly replied. "Silly PrognostiQuakers," the Trustee replied. "Only a real witch can get the cauldron to speak. Only J-Ro knows the dilly with Brown." So the fearless PrognostiQuakers began their pursuit of J-Ro herself, who was busy welcoming her peeps. "Yo J-Ro, what up? What be goin' down this weekend on Franklin Field?" "Bia-tches! You know she can't be telling you that," her assistant eeped. J-Ro looked both ways and pulled us into her sewing room. "I was the worst Swami ever!" she said. "I was so bad! But Brown's quarterback [wink, wink] was bad last week. And our QB wasn't intercepted." Our QB? Ehhhhh. You mean the one and only Mike Mitchell? Does Rodin even know that Penn has a team? (Guess she's a bit tighter with Dick Cheney than with M-Mitch.) We PrognostiQuakers don't care about lack of gridiron knowledge. But, when we watch a football game, we want to see some action, some hits, some daring passes. So far, Brown has yet to even get a first down this year, according to stats we just made up. With zero wins and six humiliating losses, the Bears are an embarassment, especially to their esteemed alumni, like Chris Berman, Paula Abdul and RuPaul. J-Ro quickly bid us goodbye - she had other frightful creatures to "entertain" - and left us with a parting message. "Penn's gonna win, 36 to uhh, 12." So there you have it folks, J-Ro's out. Fo shizzle! Penn 36, Brown 12

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