JOKE ISSUE: M. Fencing taps Lloyd as one to unite Force

Penn coach Dave Micahnik has eyes set on Hollywood's young 'Star Wars' star [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] The Penn men's fencing team may have fallen short in its Ivy League meets this season, but the future looks bright for the sword-fighting Quakers. Help is on the way from a galaxy far, far away. After coming into possession of confidential documents, The Daily Pennsylvanian has learned that Penn coach Dave Micahnik has his eyes set on young Jake Lloyd, the diminutive actor who played Annakin Skywalker in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Micahnik, who seems comfortable going to the movie theater to find top recruits, hopes to land Lloyd for the 2001 season. "This kid's a gem, I tell you -- an absolute gem," said Micahnik, whose enthusiasm was visible when asked about his find. "I've got the jump on the other coaches. See, the thing is that none of them have put it all together. The kid's Vader, Darth freakin' Vader. If he comes to play for me, we will never lose another match? and that's a guarantee." Lloyd, who will be the Quakers No. 1 in foil, sabre and epee has never lost a match in his fencing career, according to Micahnik. Of course, he has yet to fight anybody, but Micahnik has heard from unidentified Hollywood sources that Lloyd is steadily improving and will kill more than 20 characters in the next Star Wars movie. "The kid's a prospect? that's for sure," Micahnik said. "His metaclorian count is through the roof. Not even Master Yoda has that kind of count. God, they're going to make me a saint after I get this kid." Lloyd, who says he will miss his parents, is also looking forward to getting an early start on his collegiate fencing career. "I can't wait to play with swords again," Lloyd said. "I had a really good time being a hero and saving my planet and everything. I just hope I can be just as important to the Penn fencing team." While Micahnik is ecstatic about his recruiting magic, his team is not quite sure what to make of it. "If you ask me, the guy's out of his freaking mind," freshman foilist Yale Cohen said. "Jake Lloyd is an actor -- not a fencer. Micahnik's gone off! I'll tell ya, he's not long for this world." The longtime head coach, however, will not let this resentment steer him off-course. "I understand there might be some bitterness from the other fencers. He's going to come in here and steal the show and pick up all the chicks," Micahnik remarked. "But my team has to understand that the kid's a once in a lifetime find. He'll unite the two sides of the force. They can call me whatever names they want. I'll have the last laugh? blah hahahah." One thing that is a slight concern, however, is the work load at Penn. It might be hard for an eight-year-old to keep up with the rigorous academics that this institution has to offer. "I'm a little worried that Lloyd might not be up to the, er, level of some of our students," Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said. "But there shouldn't be that much of a problem. He's an athlete -- we'll give him some breaks. Hell, it's not like we can really go over the line on that kind of thing any worse than Brown already has. And anyway, is it really breaking the rules if you don't get caught? I say that's just a bonus for playing the game well, if you know what I mean." Lloyd, however, does not think that he will need any extra help at all, insisting that he can perform at the high level expected of the average Penn student. "I'm not that worried about that whole academics thing," Lloyd said. "I'm a pretty good reader and I can sometimes do long division. I tie my shoes like it's going out of style. Here, watch me go." While Lloyd did succeed in tying his shoes faster than the competition, it is worth noting that the competition consisted of Jar Jar Binks and the incomplete prototype of C-3PO that Lloyd's character built in the movie. With that said, it looks like the Quakers have found themselves a star for the next four years. The force is now on their side. Perhaps an Ivy title will follow.

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