COLUMN: "Advice for the Unemployed"

From John Lennon's "Stepping on the Big Man's Toes," Spring '92. This, you'll be happy to know, won't be difficult, as I have procured for you the perfect formula for finding employment. First, you take a few teaspoons of eye of newt, several grams of bat's feet, a flagon of vampire saliva . . . Ha! This is, of course, a joke. You won't need any arcane formulas, unless you're applying to graduate school. No, all you'll need to enter the bustling world of fax machines, mergers, power lunches and repressed sexuality is this simple six-step plan, which I have spent many painstaking hours making up. STEP ONE: Have Rich Parents. It may be possible that, like me, you have already blown step one. If so, don't worry. There are plenty of people who do have rich parents whom you can hang around with, or marry, or something. STEP TWO: In 1988, Elect A President Who Will Reverse the Previous Eight Years Of Reckless Spending, Thus Preventing A Rather Nasty Recession And A Horrible Job Market. Oops. STEP THREE: Attend Some Nifty Ivy League University, Such As Harvard. Chances are, you're not at Harvard. No matter, they all have silly accents up there. You are, however, at Penn, formerly the Doormat of the Ivies, now the Ivy For People Who Like To Have Fun. As a result, you will be able to impress your interviewer during The Interview (see step six) with your suave and polished Ivy League Charm: INTERVIEWER: So, I see that you attended the university that couldn't afford to hire professors for its short-handed English Department, but spent hundred of thousands of dollars turning two blocks of 37th Street into a brick walkway. YOU: Actually, it was $2.1 million. INTERVIEWER: And I noticed that you have extensive past experience in watching a cappella singing groups. YOU: Um . . . that's right. INTERVIEWER: And it says here that felon Michael Milken was associated with your alma mater. YOU: Well . . . yeah. INTERVIEWER: Just as I suspected. Guards! STEP FOUR: The Resume. The Career Planning and Placement office provides Penn students with a Resume Writing Guide, but it is glaringly incomplete. Here are a few extra things to keep in mind while you're working on this all-important document: OBJECTIVE. You don't want to seem too desperate. A bad objective would read something like "I seek employment of any kind, please, oh please, I'll sweep floors, anything, please help me." You should always include your best qualities in you objective statement, and at the same time, tantalize the reader: "I seek a position utilizing both my skill in nailing babes and my experience funnelling brew." JOB EXPERIENCE: This is a section in which your writing skills should be most useful. A poor "Experience" section would look like this: 1984-1986: Mowed lawns. 1987-1988: Lifeguard. 1989-present: Worked at library. Creatively written, however, this unimpressive list would look much more professional: 1984-1986: Worked privately, coordinating botanical growth control in an exurban landscape environment, operating precision mechanical equipment while retaining symmetrical organization of individual chlorophyllic units. 1987-1988: Supervised the recreational aquatic behavior of a multi-generational, interracial, polymorphous control group. 1989-present: Oversaw the compilation, organization, and dissemination of lexicographically-oriented print media, aided in the location of chronologically, alphabetically, and subjectively ordered quasi-bibliographical volumes. PERSONAL INFORMATION. Lie. "Photography, cooking, tennis, music" is nowhere near as compelling as: "Skydiving, Royal British Shakespeare Company, MENSA Underwater Polo/Proust Club, undersea exploration of sunken craft in National Geographic Society televised specials, Silver Medalist in figure skating, 1988 Winter Olympics." STEP FIVE: The Cover Letter. The Resume Guide suggests lots of active verbs in your cover letter, which seems like a pretty good idea to me. I'd add lots of modifiers, too. Bad Opening: "I was pleased to learn in The Philadelphia Inquirer that MegaGlottis Bank is seeking a Finance Manager. I believe that I would be qualified for such a position." Good Opening: "As I devoured the sharply crackling pages of the stately and ubiquitous Philadelphia Inquirer, the shocking news of MegaGlottis' frantic quest for a dashing and brilliant Finance Manager attacked my senses like a vicious, snarling wolf that has gone days without nourishment. I firmly grasp pen in hand to scream, nay, to howl to you that I am vastly suited for a position of such monumental responsibility." STEP SIX: The Interview. You don't want to seem too eager. That will make you look silly and overzealous. What you should do is show up wearing a pair of sweat pants, a Slayer T-shirt, sandals and sunglasses. YOU (blowing nose): Look, man, this scene is totally not cool. I don't think I'm gonna be working for you guys. See you later. INTERVIEWER: Wait! We;ve never had a medalist in the pole vault here before! YOU (lighting cigarette): I dunno, man. I mean, I'm pretty busy, you know, painting landscapes in Florence . . . INTERVIEWER: No! Don't go! You can have my office! YOU (scratching thigh): Okay, dude, but lose those lame-ass curtains. John Lennon is a senior English major from Phillipsburg, New Jersey. Stepping on the Big Man's Toes will appear alternate Mondays.

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