*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.
Charlie Sheen isn’t letting go of the national spotlight just yet.
Last night, the controversial actor and former star of Two and a Half Men announced on Twitter that he would make a $14.1 million donation to Princeton Athletics.
“Princeton Athletics represents most of what Charlie Sheen stands for: tiger blood and winning,” Sheen said.
The donation marks a substantial windfall for Princeton, which relies heavily on private contributions to fund its varsity teams, according to Princeton Athletic Director Gary Walters.
“We are grateful to Charlie for making such a generous contribution,” Walters wrote in a statement. “As always, Princeton remains dedicated to promoting the true student-athlete experience.”
Although Princeton ultimately holds final say on financial allocations, Sheen said he was assured that he would maintain the majority of creative control over his newly funded projects.
“At least $4 million per season is going to the softball team — that was non-negotiable,” Sheen said. “Those girls have always been an inspiration to me as the literal paradigm of bi-winning.”
Sheen is also backing the preparation of Princeton’s fully operational space station — Jadwin Gymnasium — for a launch toward Mars in the coming months.
“This is the closest anyone will come to the ‘Charlie Sheen experience,’” Sheen said. “I hope that fans will make contact with some totally bitchin’ rock stars.”
In a surprising, seemingly incongruous move, Sheen’s birth name will brand the new Carlos I Estevez Princeton Anti-Doping Foundation, the first of its kind in the NCAA.
“‘Doping’ is one of their words, you know, perpetuated by the filthy earthworms over at the IOC and NCAA,” Sheen said. “Our foundation will work tirelessly to replace the bigoted word ‘doping’ with what an alchemical warlock like me calls ‘actually trying to win.’”
Sheen told reporters that the $14.1 million donation was just “a drop in the bucket” compared to his “cellular worth.”
“I have tremendous respect for anyone who has that many Twitter followers,” said men’s basketball coach Jerome Allen. “I don’t have respect for Sydney Johnson (Fairfield, really?). Or Frosted Flakes.”
