*Beating an undead horse

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

As the lethal injection coursed through Barbaro's body at Penn's New Bolton Center, just about everyone had given up on the thoroughbred phenomenon. Everyone, that is, except his jockey, Edgar Prado.

When the Kentucky Derby winner was euthanized on Jan. 29 due to laminitis in his left rear hoof, Prado was the only one who believed the three-year-old colt still had anything left.

"His pulse was gone, and his eyes were vacant," Prado said, "but the desire was there. I could feel it."

With space a premium in the New Bolton Center, Prado and a group of Peruvian immigrants lugged the 1,000-odd pound equine cadaver to the Old Bolton Center in Ambler, Pa. for treatment. The center is home to the only known functional "Pet Sematary," whose soil has been known to breathe new life into dead tissue.

When the horse died, "there was no discussion" about where to take it, said Jud Crandall, head of the Old Bolton Center communications office. "The decision was made immediately."

Where to take the colt may have been an easy choice, but his rehabilitation was anything but.

After grueling physical therapy and a series of reconstructive surgeries, Barbaro was able to return to the track just two months after death. And he's done it with a new soul and a new look.

Once a graceful physical specimen, Barbaro now sports a complex system of bolts and wires fastening his head to his torso that has necessitated the first pit crew in the history of horse racing.

Even so, Franklin Stein, the Old Bolton Center's top mad scientist, is optimistic about the horse's prospects for a full recovery.

"While there are some signs of zombie-ism, that is perfectly normal after playing God," Stein said after the reanimation procedure. "The most important thing is that the laminitis is cured."

However, when the media followed up to report on his new life, the horse was anything but amused.

"When I found out what they were saying in the papers - that my leg injury led to my death - I was pissed," Barbaro said through his translator, Mr. Ed. "I'm like, 'Really, Doc, did the laminitis do it? Because I have a hunch that it was the [expletive] needle that you jammed into my flesh!"

"I'm not allowed to comment on medical coverage, so I won't say this was an abomination, and no one wanted to call it that," Columbia football coach Norries Wilson said.

But after putting the outburst behind him, Barbaro set his sights on that elusive Triple Crown. However, even for a onetime Derby winner, the road back to the top is not paved with carrots and apples.

After owner George Widener relinquished ownership of Barbaro, the horse has had to run low-budget venues to try to scrape his way back to the top. And after failing to place in three straight races, it's becoming more and more apparent that, as the lethal concoction made its way through his veins, it somehow missed his heart.

"It's a humbling experience," Barbaro said. "After a lifetime of luxury, running the most historic tracks, being looked up to, having sex with fillies all day, being down and out has really made me think. Mostly about fillies."

And while he is still the same media darling he was before he had an artificial pulse, the zombie-ism cited by Stein has left Barbaro with a noticeably strange aftereffect.

"Sometimes it's like he's a completely different horse," Prado said. "I can feel him watching me at every moment, and I know he's thinking about tearing into me and eating my brain. It creeps the hell out of me."

But the heebie-jeebies are a small price to pay to get Barbaro back into the forefront of racing again.

Although he once endeared America with his near-perfect stride and strong build, now he is charming the nation with his 'riches to rags' story.

And the resurrected star is just happy to drink it all in and cherish the moment.

"The other day I was cantering past a pet store, and I saw a golden retriever wolfing down a plate of Alpo," Barbaro said. "It just really made me take stock of the second chance I've been given.

"I'm just glad to be up and competing again, and not soaking in my own gravy."

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