*Baker out, Gibson in as grad speaker

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

In the wake of strong pressure from disgruntled students and alumni, University officials have revoked their invitation to former Secretary of State James Baker to speak at this year's Commencement.

Baker, whose noted political career made him seem a wise choice to Penn administrators at first, drew the ire of a number of University groups upon the announcement of the choice.

Those groups cited instances of alleged anti-Semitism on Baker's part over the course a number of years.

And, with the success of Jodie Foster's speech last year, Penn will once again look to Hollywood for someone to say their goodbyes to the graduating class.

A far less controversial figure, Academy Award-winning director and actor Mel Gibson - full name Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson - has been tapped to address the Class of 2007.

"Words cannot describe my excitement when Mr. Gibson excepted our offer," University President Amy Gutmann said. "I am more than ecstatic that we were able to find someone with such compassion, such tolerance for other cultures and such a prominent acting and directing career."

While Gibson's career is full of accomplishments and hit blockbusters, such as Signs and Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome, students seem conflicted about the new choice.

Hillel president Abraham Silverstein was appalled by the choice, but he admitted that, despite his best instincts, he kind of likes Gibson's films.

"Yeah, he might be anti-Semetic, but, you know, he supports freedom!" Silverstein said.

"We would've liked Natalie Portman - for obvious reasons," he added. "Oh, the things that Natalie could do for us .."

LGBT Chairman Darryl Ramon was pleased with the decision, saying that What Women Want was a "really, really great movie" with "phenomenal performances" and "real insight."

Through a publicist, Gibson said that his speech will focus on subjects such as the "importance of being a patriot," the necessity of getting "payback," his "passions" and remaining true to oneself - not to mention the superiority of Christianity to any other religion.

On a related note, senior class president Andrew Kaplan noted that the University will be awarding an honorary degree to actor Michael Richards for "his incredible display of benevolence toward other races even though he hasn't done shit since Seinfeld."

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