The two sure signs of spring have arrived on campus.
Not red robins and baseball, but that horse-farm smell on Locust Walk and students participating in the annual game of real-or-fake known as "Name That Tan."
And it's always been my opinion that while football and basketball seasons get all the glory, there's no better time for a sports enthusiast than April. Since we're just three days away from both National Welding Month and VD Awareness Month, here's how I suggest filling your April with events in the world of Penn and Philadelphia sports and events for the athlete in all of us.
April 4-7: Portsmouth
Invitational Tournament
Still no summer job? Term papers due? Who cares?
Road trip time!
Make the 275-mile trek to Portsmouth, Va., to watch Ibrahim Jaaber go head-to-head with some of the nation's best graduating seniors and try to make a name for himself in front of NBA scouts.
Betting opportunity No. 1: Collect at 100-1 if you overhear any of the following from NBA scouts:
n This guy's a poor man's Jake Voskuhl.
n Hey, isn't LeBron a senior this year?
n Screw Jaaber, who's this Franklin kid?
April 10: Princeton at Penn, men's lacrosse
Princeton has beat Penn every year since 1990?
Damn.
Even the Washington Generals got lucky once and a while.
April 10: Liberty Bell final, Citizens Bank Park
If the Quakers can beat Lafayette next week, it's on to the Phillies' yard for the final.
Betting opportunity No. 2: Collect nothing if you overhear any of the following from Phillies fans:
n Boy, that Nwaka would sure be an improvement in left.
n If only we could get these kind of crowds when the Mets weren't here.
n Maybe if Kruk had done all that running between innings.
April 13-14: Spring Fling
pentathlon
Consisting of the squatting-keg lift, long-distance Beirut, security-guard hurdles, 100-meter bathroom dash and our most difficult event: the straight-line walk.
April 15: Rocky steps run
On second thought, better wait until the 16th.
April 18: Princeton at Penn, women's lacrosse
After Penn lost its 13th straight to Princeton last year, departed senior Kate Parker said, "When they meet again next year, Penn's going to win."
Will that be the lacrosse equivalent of Mark Messier's "We'll win" or Judson Wallace's "our team will win our next 10 games in a row?"
April 21-22: Princeton at Penn, baseball
College Green, Hill Field and outside the high rises are all overrated. The ultimate on-campus tanning opportunity is actually four games in two days at Meiklejohn Stadium.
If you can find it.
April 26-28: Penn Relays
By far the best event on the Penn sports calendar and an opportunity to get some action down in the middle of finals.
Betting opportunity No. 3: Collect at 10,000-1 if you overhear any of the following:
n Looks like the 4xmile team went all-out at the buffet last night.
n I'm thinking of getting my house redone in West Catholic pink.
n Some of these Jamaicans just don't look old enough to be here.
April 29-30: Sixers/Flyers playoffs, Wachovia Center
For tickets, just send a check to. well, never mind.
Zachary Levine is a senior Mathematics major from Delmar, N.Y., and is former Sports Editor of The Daily Pennsylvanian. His e-mail address is zlevine@sas.upenn.edu.
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