I ordered the party hats and balloons. The cake has already arrived. When I heard the news about Keenan Jeppesen's transfer being denied, it felt like it was time to throw myself a party.
Finally a victory for guys like me.
In a world where it seems that college athletes have privileges to no end, it was a victory for guys like me, who have no athletic talent beyond the ability to run for a couple of hours without stopping.
This was going to be quite the party, until I thought about it some more and realized that this is no time for celebration.
Because I now attend a school that pays little heed to an individual's interests, makes illogical decisions, and would rather help the Ivy League's collective image than help a young man's development.
Dean of Admissions Lee Stetson said that Jeppesen missed the March 15 deadline to apply. Better luck next year, kid.
But what he also said is that he dictates what is a good reason to transfer and what is a bad reason to transfer.
Moving from one Ivy League school to another because you feel it's in your interests: not a good enough reason.
Leaving Utah for more playing time at Penn, as Eric Osmundson did: good enough reason.
Making it even worse was this gem from Stetson, as told to The Summer Pennsylvanian last week:
"We feel badly about taking students from Brown, a member of our league."
Something tells me he wanted to say "basketball players from Brown." Something tells me you'd have no sympathy for their math department if their top scorer on the Putnam Competition (read: nerd-o-meter) wanted to transfer.
This situation has the stench of reverse discrimination against a normally privileged group, and Penn shook off its reputation as the big bad bully of Ivy League basketball at the expense of one kid who just wanted to switch schools.
Penn sure isn't that bully anymore. Now it's Big Brother.
What if the roles had been reversed? What if Brown had been the two-time defending champion which always seemed to land the "first-round picks" when it came to recruiting against the Ivies? And what if Penn was the team that lost to Maryland-Eastern Shore last year and considered a .500 season a tremendous accomplishment?
Then it may have been: Welcome to Penn, Keenan. Enjoy your stay.
In that case, the fact that his application was filed late may have been nothing more than a passing thought.
But the biggest joke of all came in this line from Stetson.
"It just isn't fair. He is a Brown student, he chose to go to Brown, and we're hoping he flourishes there," Stetson said last week. "He made his choice, and Brown is his place."
Oh, boy, do I have an idea that can save this University some money: Get rid of the transfer admissions office. Because after reading that, there's obviously no reason to have it. Fewer employees, less paperwork to read. Just don't let anyone transfer.
Just suppose that Joe Blow made his choice and decided to play ball at the University of Michigan-Upper Peninsula. He's decided to be a Fightin' Yooper for life, and we're hoping he flourishes and stays warm enough there.
Instead, the issue became much bigger, touching not just on discrimination and the necessity of the transfer office, but on the dilemma between protecting the good of the University and that of the athletic conference.
In the end, the admissions office went with protecting the collective, to the point of neglecting the best interests of the University and of a hard-working student-athlete.
A party day for the Red and Blue?
I'm staring at an uneaten cake right now.
Zachary Levine is a senior mathematics major from Delmar, N.Y., and former Sports Editor of The Daily Pennsylvanian. His e-mail address is zlevine@sas.upenn.edu.
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