M. Lax accused of stick-corking practice
The men's lacrosse team's remarkable run of success may soon come to a screeching halt.
Allegations of stick-corking have surfaced as an explanation for the team's recent offensive explosion.
"It's simply not true," coach Brian Voelker said. "Frankly, I'm not sure how one even corks a lacrosse stick. Does that even make any sense?"
Still, the accusations are running wild.
"The only way a team can improve so much in such a short amount of time is to cheat," Cornell head coach Jeff Tambroni said.
While no hard evidence of impropriety has as of yet been put forth, some feel that there is no other explanation.
"A Penn spring sport doing well? I'm not quite ready to believe that," athletics director Steve Bilsky said.
-- Sammy Sosa
Bagnoli to hold open tryouts for new kicker
Football coach Al Bagnoli is trying to remedy his football kicking woes by holding an open tryout camp for kickers. All Penn students are welcome to participate.
"Eehhhhh, well, I haven't had a whole lot of faith in my kicker in a while," Bagnoli said. "I don't know if this camp will really help our team, but I am willing to try it."
All students who have made kicks in the Abner's halftime challenge have been offered the opportunity to participate in the camp.
Students going to the camp are not required to have any kicking experience in the past.
"Hey, there are days when I look at [current kicker Derek] Zoch over there and think he has never kicked before anyway."
-- Ray Finkle
Track coach suing over the famous 'stache
Penn men's track coach Charlie Powell is suing basketball coach Fran Dunphy on the grounds of mustache infringement.
Dunphy is accused of attempting to capitalize on the success of Powell's stache. He has allegedly used the facial feature to draw media attention to his program, as well as to convince athletes like David Whitehurst to practice all basketball season and not work as hard on hurdling.
The defense is expected to argue that the mustaches are in no way similar, and that Powell's second-rate imitation in no way rivals that of Dunphy for sheer brilliance and luminosity.
-- Heather Palmer
Meiklejohn Stadium to assume new name
Just days after it was renamed in an official ceremony attended by University president Amy Gutmann, Meiklejohn Stadium is about to change titles yet again.
The good news is that for the illiterate, the shift in the baseball field's name will not matter. That's because the new donor is Michael Johns, a defensive back on the Penn football team.
The senior returned from spring break having hit it big in the slots in Vegas. Johns decided to make sure the impact of his newfound wealth was felt first in the baseball program, where he donated a new radar gun and a brand-new third-base bag.
Michael Johns Stadium will be officially dedicated this weekend. Johns will throw out the first pitch.
-- Bob Seddon
