America's most famous basketball pundit will be annoying Penn students for three more hours a week in the fall.
Dick Vitale, ESPN's excessively loud and irritating basketball analyst, will be teaching BSCI-004, "Introduction to Duke Basketball Studies," in the College of Arts and Sciences.
The course will outline why Duke should never get fouls called against them, as well as how to recycle the same tired cliches in basketball commentary.
Vitale, whose hyperactive style has invaded the homes of college basketball fans since the 1979-80 season, could not be reached for comment. He was apparently still in complete shock that his beloved Blue Devils lost in the Sweet 16 of this year's NCAA Tournament.
The diminutive Vitale did release a statement in which, predictably, he described his appointment as "awesome, baby!"
"That Amy Gutmann, she's a P-T-P-er, baby! I'm so proud to teach at a university that shares one of its school colors with the great Duke University."
Many college basketball fans were hoping that Vitale's foray into academia would reduce the amount of time they have to spend listening to him opine about how high school players cannot succeed in the NBA unless they go to college. Regrettably, Vitale says he still plans to keep all of his numerous ESPN engagements.
Some students opposed the move, alleging that Vitale has no credentials that would make him qualified to talk about basketball.
Vitale coached at the University of Detroit for five years, leading it to one NCAA Tournament appearance.
He followed that by coaching the Detroit Pistons to a 34-60 record in just over a year as their head coach.
Opponents note that there are far more qualified -- and more demure -- candidates for the position. However, Vitale deflected that criticism.
"I'm awesome, baby, with a capital A! I'm a diaper dandy!" he added in his statement.
Penn basketball coach Fran Dunphy more quietly echoed Vitale's statement.
"Dick Vitale is a very good basketball announcer, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for him and his achievements," Dunphy said.
