COLUMN: The season of giving

From Josh Callahan's, "Under Construction," Fall '99 As we have a mix of Jews and Christians in our house of 10, we have added the eight days of Hanukkah to the 12 days of Christmas to come up with 20 things we would like to get from Judy "Hanukkah Harry" Rodin and John "Santa Claus" Fry during this holiday season to make our upcoming semester -- our final one at that -- a most joyous of times. And it is not like we are begging here. We have already contributed to some mighty big additions to "Santa's Workshop" over the past four years. One would think that some piece of our combined $1.2 million in tuition checks can be used to cover at least a few of these items: 20. Ethernet connections for all off-campus houses. Live feeds just aren't very smooth at 36.6. 19. Freshman girls. Lots more freshman girls. Oh yeah, and a weight limit on tube tops. 18. Another home for crazy people. We enjoy watching crazy people chase after buses. And while we are on the subject, more crack. Definitely more crack. We think it qualifies as an alternative to drinking. 17. Fewer appearances by Mask and Wig. You each owe us $50 for the last four years of shows, not to mention the cab cost for getting to your damn clubhouse. 16. A Spring Fling concert indoors?. Oh wait, we've already done that -- three times. 15. A bowling alley with bar, preferably on the charred remains of David Rittenhouse Lab and staffed by members of Sammy. 14. More Nigerians educated in London or players named Koko on the basketball team. 13. A seat in Ed Rendell's lecture course next semester. One of us is a senior Poli Sci major who needs the class to graduate on time. So spare a chair. Please. 12. More rejection letters from companies, medical schools and law schools to add to our ever-growing "wall of shame." 11. Another place to buy 40s. Oh wait, we already have five of those in a three-block radius. 10. Fewer people named Josh (there are 148). Fewer people named Cohen (91). And sorry to the three people who fall under both categories?. Yes, we looked this up. 9. A male clothing or shoe store. What, are we supposed to shop at Ma Jolie? And more free sweatshirts with each one we purchase at Steve and Barry's. Seriously, six for the price of one just doesn't cut it. 8. A Burger King. We used to have two -- where did they go? And McDonald's, did somebody say an hour wait? 7. To one day see the Wharton and Law School deans sitting arm in arm in a decent campus movie theater, throwing popcorn at a Philadelphia mayor not named Street. 6. Another beer on tap at Smoke's. How many nights in a row can one person drink Yuengling? 5. A new Chemistry Department filled with teachers that can teach, and TAs that know any romance language and/or English. 4. A Billybob's without the hardwood floors and Chinese food and coffee and scones and sushi?. And bring back the turnstile. 3. To see the Perelman Quad open before it's time to renovate it again. And more roadwork so we can cross the street an extra six times to get to class. 2. To one day not have to open our backpacks in Van Pelt to show that we are not common criminals, especially when there are electronic sensors on the exits already. If we really wanted to steal books, we would have no trouble building a fine collection despite the intense scrutiny of the green-coated library officials. 1. New columnists next semester. I got nothin' left. I had to rely on my sorry roommates for all this. So send them the letters.