'DP' thrashes Sports - Again

It had all the grace of Chris Farley doing a pirouette, all the sportsmanship of the Tyson-Holyfield fight, but in the end, the good guys came out on top. On a cold, gray Sunday on Franklin Field, the staff of The Daily Pennsylvanian withstood a furious second-half comeback by the paper's Only Staff That [Doesn't] Matter, holding on to beat the Sports Weenies by a score of 36-32 in this year's Kamin Cup game. The victory was the second in a row for the team made up of players from the paper's news, design, photo and business departments, as well as 34th Street magazine. Last year, the team routed Sports by the embarrassing score of 38-10. "I guess Sports should be happy that they weren't as completely outplayed as they were last year," said DP player/coach/imminent retiree Yochi "Gift from God" Dreazen. "Hey, they always have next year -- except they'll probably suck then, too." Yesterday was simply not Sports' day. Miscues and missteps characterized the team's play, which was marked by five interceptions and several costly fumbles, including a botched punt return by imp-like Eric "Doogie" Moskowitz that set up a DP touchdown. The DP, meanwhile, ran out to a 20-6 halftime lead. Quarterback Zach "Mo' Money" Lewis hit Dreazen long for the game's first touchdown, and the team added scores by Mike "Taller than Brian" Dolan and Matt "Taller than Margaret" Samuelowitz. Sports came roaring back in the second half, however, using a combination of luck and sympathy to draw within two points of the DP. But every time the bruised and battered Sports staff had the chance to tie, a strong defensive effort led by Jonathan "Drug Me Up" Strauss, Roger "Get Yo' Hands off My Money" Levenson, Brian "The Cyber Hurt" Weinstein and Binya "The Sex God" Appelbaum slammed the door shut. As the half wore on, the DP's offensive unit finally came to life, with Lewis hitting Samuelowitz and David "Thumbs Up" Scott for much-needed scores. Dreazen capped the day's scoring with a one-handed catch for a two-point conversion. Sports stayed close, but Levenson stopped consecutive drives in the game's final minutes by picking off Sports QB Amit "Pass the Grain Alcohol" Dholakia twice, sealing the victory. "I'm their best receiver," Levenson said after the game, only half in jest. In a game marked by trash-talking, rough play and near-violence, the DP also got strong play from David "Looking for a Co-Editor" Graff, Jeremy "Looking for a Midget" Reiss, and Dan "The Canuck" Fienberg, who unleashed several 40-yard punts. Athletics, though, have their winners, and they have their losers. In this particular game, as is likely to be the case in years to come, the losers happened to be all from the same team -- Sports. The defeat is the third in a row for Sports Coach Kent "Not Always Golden" Malmros, who led the DP to defeat two years ago before switching sides to Sports, where he has continued his losing ways. "Christ, I'm tired off losing," Malmros said after the game. "It's enough to make me start shooting smack again." Other Sports players didn't even wait until the game ended to go back to their respective addictions. Brian "Emphysema" Hindo, for example, preemptively returned to his two-pack-a-day habit almost three weeks ago. As the players walked off the field, as the game -- and the careers of several of the DP's brightest stars -- receded into memory, only two inescapable facts remained. The Cup was home. And it was staying there.