COLUMN: Debunking the Penn myths

From Ned Nurick's, "Spare Change," Fall '97 From Ned Nurick's, "Spare Change," Fall '97 Only Nixon could open China. Only Reagan could limit nuclear weapons. And only Clinton could proclaim the end of the era of big government. First off, for the record, I want to make it clear that I am writing not a superfluous gripe nor a sarcastic diatribe, but a serious, thoughtful observation. Penn is obsessively fraught with complaining. We have elevated complaining to an art form, making myself, of course, its preeminent practitioner. I am the Michelangelo of whining, and hence a DP columnist. Here at Penn you'd think Bitching 101 was some Society sector of the General Requirement, comparable to the Wharton class, Arrogance 101, which of course requires both Avarice 240 and 241. But then again that wouldn't make much sense since people start freshman year with misguided mindset. There has to be some other source. I don't remember the incessant kvetching in high school and summer jobs haven't been known to disillusion students. Therefore that leaves the Penn Reading Project. Perhaps, Scully, the books have subliminal messages that inculcate the message "Whining will get you everything you want." But of course you and I both know that Mulder is paranoid freak. After all coincidences happen, right? So to disprove the conspiracy theories I have decided to debunk common Penn myths. In the process I will reveal the lies constructed by The Man who we all know went to Harvard, Yale and Princeton. Myth No. 1: Penn is an ugly place riddled with crime. Now we have our own version of the "cigarette-smoking man" in our administration feeding the robotic tour guides that famous canned line. "Penn is in the city without feeling like it is in the city," cheerfully proclaim the automatons. The truth is, Penn is a beautiful campus despite being in the city. A once proud and majestic Philadelphia neighborhood reflects its past beauty in the buildings on campus. Who can say that Furness is not the greatest looking library in the world? And despite the facade, can you honestly sit in the Class of '38 study lounge in Van Pelt and say that Penn is an ugly place? Or best yet, just check out the change of the seasons on Locust Walk. Now Ned, you left out that ubiquitous crime and homelessness problem. But have you ever been greeted by the Earl of Sansom, "Good morning, counselor." Or Sue, the homeless person who rebuked a friend for walking home alone at 3:30 in the morning? With Spectaguards, the University Police and the new "safety ambassadors," crime still happens. I challenge you, however, to go to another college community of Penn's magnitude and tell me that crime isn't at least as proportionately as high. Myth No. 2: Penn people are both mean and ugly. Seniors have spent nearly three years building walls only to tear them down at the first Senior Screamer. Alrighty, Smoke's is a glorified frat party that requires really good ID. Screamers can, I believe, reveal the true kind nature of that annoying, loudmouth from Nassau County in your history recitation. Now Ned, I prefer 'Nova chicks because Penn women are just oh-so butt nasty. While I do believe in the winter hibernation of the beauties beneath their bulky sweaters, no right- minded man alive should spurn the greatest day of the year. The female groundhog day, if you will forgive me this metaphor, occurs when the svelte coeds awaken from their slumber and ignore their shadows, to shed their J. Crew rollnecks and embrace the warmth of spring. That is the first day of the sundresses is the only vindication Mother Nature can offer for the harshness of a long February. Myth No. 3: Penn students have an inferiority complex. Now some of you used Penn as your safety but if you haven't already noticed, this was my "reach" school. Consequently I am a little biased. I'd sum up this rebuttal with that Mask and Wig classic, "Tradition," minus the self-deprecatory lyrics. Isn't that tradition what makes us great? Look at all of those Ivy Day plaques. Or even though we aren't going to the Rose Bowl anytime soon, we once actually won a few football games under an immortal named Heisman and players named Outland and Bednarik. After all, don't we all think that Candice Bergen would have known that AT&T; is the better deal had she graduated? John Fry or Trammell Crow are just as likely to locate the "third" and "fourth" Ben Franklin statues on campus as upenn.talk is to be relevant or even intelligible to normal people. That's because real Penn students know the lore. We know deep down inside our hearts -- that's the blood pump for all you Whartonites playing at home -- that we love Penn. And when we graduate, we'll all look back in gratitude to the Red and the Blue, thankful for the best four years of our lives. For now though, a bit of advice to the Mulders out there: Believe the lies.