IVY ROUNDUP: Toast Throwing Edition

and Matt Wurst Crybabys of the Week We here at Roundup are disgusted at the lack of sportsmanship displayed by the Brown football team following its beating by Penn over the weekend. After the Quakers' players and coach Al Bagnoli departed the press conference, there was an unusually long delay before the Brown players and coach Mark Whipple arrived. But when the Bears showed up, there was only Whipple. Immediately, Brown Sports Information Director extraordinaire Chris Humm (who will be referred to as "Mr. Ass" for the rest of this article) assured all the reporters from both schools that they would have an opportunity to question the Brown players in their locker room after talking to Whipple. This seemed odd, but the press agreed. After Whipple babbled on and on, the reporters asked to speak with the players. Mr. Ass now appeared hesitant. "OK, you guys can follow me," Mr. Ass said. "But I can't guarantee you the players will still be in the locker room." Then the press followed Mr. Ass and Whipple to the Bears' lair. About halfway to the opposition locker room, Mr. Ass made a comment that confirmed how he got his nickname. "You know it is unfair to make the players wait 35 minutes after the game to question them," Mr. Ass said. "It was a long game and many of the players were really cold." Well boo-frickin'-hoo. Roundup doesn't give a flying crap if Brown was or wasn't cold. Furthermore, unless the Bears were all suffering from hypothermia, they are expected to show up at the press conference. Mr. Ass went solo into the locker to see if his players were still there, but they had all boarded the bus. Bottom line: for Mr. Ass to support Brown being a bunch of sore losers is absolutely pathetic. Moron of the Week Just as in every other game, Penn has played on Franklin Field this year, and for the past several decades, following the third quarter all Quakers fans in attendance threw toast. Apparently for Dan Hinkley, esteemed sports reporter of the Providence Journal, this was his first time visiting Franklin Field. The journalist was a bit perplexed at Penn's tradition. He immediately leapt from his seat and questioned Gail Stasulli Zachary, minor Penn functionary in charge of cookies and hoagies. The conversation followed something like this: Hinkley: "Hey, what's going on?" Zachary: "It's a tradition at Penn to throw toast after the third quarter." Hinkley: "Well, where do all the people get the toast? I mean that is a lot of toast? Does it come from a bakery like Amoroso or something like that? Do the people actually bake toast for the game?" Zachary: "No? No, the toast doesn't come from a bakery. It is just regular plain old white toast." Hinkley: "Oh yeah, but where does all that toast go? Do you recycle it? It is an awful lot of food to waste." Zachary: "Actually the bread is pretty old and most of it is not even that edible anymore." In light of Hinkley's absurd questions (which, by the way, continued in the post-game show), we here at Roundup declare him the Moron of the Week. No Doze of the Week Dartmouth's bid to go undefeated for another season fell short last weekend against Patriot League superpower Lehigh, as did its futile attempt to break Penn's Division I-AA record of 24 games unbeaten. "We're just going to have to start over, and break the record sometime in like 2001, or something," Dartmouth safety Kevin Ritter told The New York Times. Ritter, evidently a math major, added that while he was upset, he wasn't losing any sleep over it. His girlfriend, Jamie Florence, confirmed that Ritter is getting plenty of rest these days. "All Kevin does is eat and sleep," Florence said. If Ritter, a junior, stays on his steady academic track, he will still be at Dartmouth in 2001, or when the Big Green finally do break Penn's record. In his dreams. Stalwart Defense of the Week Yale sucks. No, Yale really sucks. However, the Bulldogs appear to be showing signs of life recently. Aside from breathing, other metabolic processes appear to be normal for Yale football players. All kidding aside, we at Roundup salute the Yale defense, which prevented the opposition from scoring a field goal for the first time this season. "If we can prevent Penn from scoring field goals next week, build on that and not allow any touchdowns, we'll win the game," brilliant Yale Daily News reporter Ace Padlan said. Nice try, Ace, but you don't have a snowball's chance in hell, or a poor boy's chance in Yale. "I'm not saying we can win, or anything, "Padlan said, "but maybe, for Halloween, our players will let their friends dress up as them. They can't be much worse."