IVY ROUNDUP: Whipped Cream Edition

We here at Roundup are in great despair. We wanted to help good old Bill build that bridge to the 21st century, but we see no reason to go on. The future is bleak; we must have been cursed by the evil Keith Elias of Princeton football past -- that prick. Our football team is 2-4, with no wins in the Ivy League. We're tied for last in the conference standings. We here at Roundup don't know what to do. We don't know who we can make fun of without making fun of ourselves. But wait. We're not last overall, we're second to last, and you know what that means? Ivy League Loser of the Week If you haven't noticed by now, each week we here at Roundup name a special Princeton loser of the week. And if you haven't noticed by now, you must be really slow. But this week, just in time for Halloween, we here at Roundup have a special treat in store just for you. The entire Princeton University has coveted our loser of the week award. They are where they are supposed to be in the conference standing -- last. And so, as usual, they are looking up to us. We suspect the losers will show their Ivy envy in their halloween costumes. We here at Roundup hear that Ben Franklin costumes are selling like hotcakes up in Princeton. Costume of the Week It seems Brown's football coach has developed a case of severe street sign envy. In bucolic West Hartford, there is both Penn Drive and Quaker Lane. Those folks at Brown must've been jealous. We here at Roundup refer to, of course, the lonely road in northern Providence named Whipple street. Whipple. Hmm. That name sounds really familiar. Could it be?? Does Brown like its current football coach so much that those crazy Bears named a street after him after only three years at the helm? Maybe. Or so "Coach Whipple" would have us believe. We here at Roundup were suspicious, so we decided to investigate the situation. After all, maybe that's where the term "whip-lash offense" came from. "There was an old family in Providence named Whipple, and it was named after one of those Whipples," a secret source at the Providence City Hall leaked. Ah-ha. You can't throw any of those sophomoric tricks at Roundup Coach Whipple. Go make yourself a sign that says "dumbass" and tape it to your forehead. And if you're lucky, we here at Roundup will give you a treat when you ring our doorbell. Stupid Ass Policy of the week We here at Roundup wasted precious calling-card minutes talking to an "off-the-record" source about "off-the-record" stuff. We only wanted to ask nice, simple questions about Cornell's "football" team. But no. Everything was, you got it, "off the record." Could that be because Cornell, who was supposed to dominate this season, is getting beaten by the long pass? Or is just that Cornell sucks? Hmm, what's that? We can't hear you Cornell. Black cat got your tongue? Oh wait, we're sorry, that's probably "off the record" too. Stiff of the Week We here at Roundup couldn't send you kids home without a special little something in your bag of goodies. And what better to treat you with than a little pre-homecoming Yale conversation? We called what seemed like a good guy on the football team (from his picture in the media guide), but the conversation that ensued proved what we here at Roundup already knew about football players from Yale -- they suck. Girls, watch out, Nate Boxrucker is cute, but he's more boring than a Princeton freshman without his daddy's credit card. We didn't call Nate for an interview. We called him for "other" reasons. And maybe, just maybe, a little flirting was done on Roundup's part. Roundup: How do you feel? Nate: I feel pretty good. I've been working hard. Hmm. Feel good, working hard, he's sending signals back alright. Roundup: Do you have any game plan? Nate: I'm planning on coming out ready to play hard. Ready to play hard? Hello, Roundup doesn't do that on the first date. (Usually.) Roundup: Are you doing anything for Halloween? Nate: No. BORING. Access denied. We should have known. We here at Roundup will never doubt our instincts again. Sundae Topping of the Week Last, but not least, we here at Roundup could not leave you faithful candy-gorging Roundup readers without a tip of the hat to Columbia for ranking No. 24 this week in the Division I-AA top 25 rankings. So shocked by this national recognition for an Ivy school other than our own, we called SUNY-Harlem to see if they fixed the vote in their behalf. We spoke to a nice young man from the sports department of the Columbia Spectator, Brandon Lilly. Roundup: Does Columbia have a vote in the rankings? Brandon: No. No? We here at Roundup don't think so. But we'll let this one slide -- for once. Roundup: Well, how do you guys feels about the ranking? Brandon: It's pretty exciting, [but] we're not exactly creaming in our shorts here. Trick or treat.