COLUMN: Me for president

From Jason Brenner's, "May 20 Inches," Fall '96 From Jason Brenner's, "May 20 Inches," Fall '96Crime is no problem for thisFrom Jason Brenner's, "May 20 Inches," Fall '96Crime is no problem for thiscandidate. He's experiencedFrom Jason Brenner's, "May 20 Inches," Fall '96Crime is no problem for thiscandidate. He's experiencedand has a five-point plan. From Jason Brenner's, "May 20 Inches," Fall '96Crime is no problem for thiscandidate. He's experiencedand has a five-point plan. With Dole mumbling something about a 15 percent tax cut, Perot screaming about the illegality of his exclusion from the upcoming debates and Clinton trying to knock the ubiquitous Whitewater monkey off his back, the upcoming election has become such a mockery that I can't possibly parody it and make it seem sillier. But I'm sure going to try. Other than the fact that I'm not legally old enough to serve as the nation's Commander-in-Chief, no skeletons loom in my closet. I have never participated in any type of sex scandal. (Not by choice, that is. It usually just happened that I was flat-out rejected. Anyway, we have enough sex controversies among the Wharton faculty to make up for my lack of one.) If it's experience you're worried about, I currently serve as Senior Class Historian. (Fear not, I've decided to abdicate my position should I be elected president.) I never served in a United States military campaign, but I did watch several of them on live television. And let me get this off my chest now: I never inhaled, I'm not a crook and I didn't kill my ex-wife and then hop a plane to Chicago. Now that my character has been scrutinized, allow me to discuss the platform that will catapult me into that cute little cottage at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Let's be honest. The issue of crime holds the greatest relevance for all of you during this election year. Violent crime on campus has reached a rate unheard of in my three years as a Penn student. The Daily Pennsylvanian has transformed from "The Independent Newspaper of the University of Pennsylvania" to "The 14-Page Catalog That Lists in Alphabetical Order All the Students Who Were Mugged and Shot Yesterday." You're tired of making sure you carry some money with you; that way, in case you find a gun pointed toward your mouth, you have something -- other than your life -- to give to the assailant. You're tired of wearing a flak jacket when you walk from the Quad to the library. You're tired of hearing the president of the University exclaim that Penn's safety program is "working" -- oh, except for the kid who had a barrel-full of lead pumped in his back last Wednesday. If elected president of the United States, I would immediately institute a complex agenda of crime-fighting legislation. First, I would take those tuition-sucking security guards from their little kiosks on Locust Walk and station them off-campus, where people really get assaulted. When was the last time someone was mugged outside High Rise North at 3 p.m.? Employing the vast resources of this fine institution of higher learning, I would exploit the University's brainpower to its fullest. I would commission the University's Psychology Department to interview local criminals and find out why they like to use college students for target practice. Maybe if we got to the root of their turmoils and spoke with their inner children, we could convince them not to point their automatic weapons in our direction. I would then direct the Folklore Department to read fairy tales to juvenile delinquents for periods of 24 hours at a time. Upon realizing that Folklore majors suffer a far more pitiful and meaningless existence than their own, perhaps young criminals would mend their ways. My next initiative would involve sending nearby felons to the Annenberg School for Communication. After speaking with a variety of undergraduate Communications majors, these convicts would understand that unemployment does not only run rampant in their neighborhoods. If all these methods fail, I would resort to my ultimate solution. Local criminals would receive an extensive schedule of Wharton classes taught by the finest business professors in the country. With a solid Wharton education under their belts, these felons would no longer feel the need to resort to mugging and burglary as they would gain a plethora of knowledge about embezzlement and other white-collar crimes. With my five-point solution to crime, Penn students could finally walk freely at any time of night, without any fear of assault. With Jason Brenner in the Oval Office, you can rest assured that trivialities such as welfare reform, foreign policy and nuclear disarmament will be placed on the back burner. I will not rest until every Penn student feels comfortable running naked around the neighborhood at 3 a.m., waving $100 bills and screaming, "I'm rich and defenseless!" When you go to the voting booth November 5, be sure to vote for a candidate with a solid, well-thought-out agenda to make this world a safer place for us and the next generation of Quakers. Vote for students. Vote for safety. Vote for Brenner in '96.