Gay discuss 'coming out' to parents

The decision to reveal one's homosexuality to a parent can be a very trying time in the life of a gay or lesbian, according to members of Parents, Families and Friends of Gays, better known as PFLAG. A representative from the Philadelphia PFLAG chapter gave advice on coming out to parents as part of the Bisexual Gay Lesbian Transgendered Awareness Days. Sunday night's intimate discussion, which included seven students, took place at the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Center at Penn and offered those in attendance an opportunity to convey their own personal stories, as well as listen to others speak on the same topic. PFLAG representative Maggie Heineman mediated the event, attempting to inform the students about PFLAG, while also telling her own stories. PFLAG offers support, education and advocacy on gay and lesbian issues and consists of 380 chapters worldwide. Heineman stressed the parental support side behind PFLAG. "There are some parents who are proud of gay kids," she said, adding that this group is in the minority. Those parents who are upset but not totally closed to the idea of acceptance, make up a larger percentage of PFLAG members. Second-year Anthropology graduate student Carol Nickolai described her mother's reaction after learning that Nickolai is a lesbian as "hysterical, to describe it nicely." She noted that her mother is not a part of PFLAG. Some who had yet to come out to their parents discussed whether their parents already knew of their sexual preference from hints they had dropped. "If you think they know, I think they know," Heineman said. Second-year Veterinary student Liz Krug admitted to some confusion about whether her parents knew she was a lesbian. "I think they know, but I'm not sure," she explained. Heineman said some parents wait for their children to tell them, even if they have their suspicions, while other parents may confront the child openly. College freshmen Alex Gino told of her dismay when her mother expressed disbelief, explaining that her mother said, "You're young, you can change your mind." A second-year Wharton graduate student, who wanted only to be referred to as "Howard," said his parents initially wanted him to see a psychiatrist when he came out to them. Heineman suggested writing a letter to parents as a way of coming out. She explained that it offered parents time to digest the information and react more calmly than if they are informed on the spot. "Howard" said his parents learned of his homosexuality through his sister and though it took some time, they have grown to accept him for who he is. When parents simply will not accept their child as a gay or lesbian, Heineman said that "sometimes the only thing you can do is let it go." Heineman mentioned PFLAG's presence on the Internet, including a newsgroup and World Wide Web home page, which can be found at "http://www.critpath.org/~maggie/pflag". Wharton freshman Darin Weeks said that the coming out process can result in a feeling of relief for all involved. "The closet door looks a lot bigger inside the closet," Weeks said. B-GLAD events, sponsored by the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Alliance, will continue throughout this week.