COLUMN: Walk On the Ocean

From Ian Blake's "Church of the Poisoned Mind," Fall '95 From Ian Blake's "Church of the Poisoned Mind," Fall '95I am a tenured professor at the University of Pennsylvania. I am very intelligent! I have published many articles, and written numerous books. My last novel, Plight of the Nova Scotia Salamander sold over two million copies worldwide. I have the respect and admiration of my colleagues at this university and blah, blah, blah...." Alas, fellow Quaker, your timepiece and the university's are in perfect working condition. Translation: Class still has another hour to go. That's right, undergrad -- you'll have to sit there and listen to some ancient tenured university blowhard drone on about his forthcoming book or article. Those Tuesday/Thursday lectures can be a bitch to sit through. I, like many of my fellow Quakers, have an attention span of exactly half a milli-microsecond. If I am not interested in what one has to say, my mind has a tendency to wander off to the far reaches of our solar system, say Krypton or thereabouts. During my years as an undergrad in the College, I cannot begin to estimate how many times I have visited Superman's home planet during class lectures. By the way, if you ever decide to go, pack something warm; temperatures there can be a little brisk. People often stop me on the Walk and ask me why I look miserable. If you've ever experienced sitting through two hours of the above torture, you'll understand why I look so depressed. The life of an undergrad English major is usually filled with these traumatic types of experiences. I cannot understand why this university continues to turn excellent educators away while championing tenured faculty who have forgotten how to teacheffectively in lieu of publishing one more piece of research. A quirk in the University by-laws has granted Professor Boyajian an extra swing at the plate next year. Unfortunately, Dr. Bivona's and Dr. Camfield's teaching aspirations probably await them elsewhere; and I am deeply saddened. As I interviewed Dr. Boyajian, he tried to appear placid and unaffected by the University's decision. He stated what most upperclassmen and graduate semi-professionals who aspire to the big leagues of tenure-track positions of American universities already know: "Tenure is a crap-shoot." I asked Dr. Boyajian what disappointed him most about this delimiting situation and he stated that major universities such as Penn often fail to make and take proper stances in regards to overall goals concerning education. For example, the University of Pennsylvania prides itself on being one of the leading institutions of academic achievement, but at times, it seems to be at the cost of the undergraduate educational experience. Professors at the University are not so much rewarded for what they do in the classroom; rather, they are mostly rewarded for their accomplishments outside the walls of academia. Professors who are seeking tenure at the university level are encouraged to frequently publish their work in periodicals or at least have two books on the shelf before their tenure hearings. And even then, there's a 75 percent possibility of being rejected. Nevertheless, Dr. Boyajian says, "We play the game anyway. We join university committees, sit on panels, eat peanut butter flavored tunafish -- whatever it takes, all in hopes of attaining that brass ring called tenure. And ultimately, it hurts the undergraduate population because professors who get caught up in this vicious cycle neglect their commitment to class instruction in lieu of their research." I could not help noticing a trace of melancholic loss in his voice as he explained how he would spend the rest of his life, if he was again denied tenure next year. In hard-hitting news journalist fashion (I am a DP columnist, you know), I tried to get him to say something inflammatory about current University "whipping boy" SAS Dean Rosemary Stevens. Boyajian didn't bite. In fact, he called Dean Stevens a very intelligent and engaging woman. He went on to extoll the virtues of Stevens and other colleagues in the Geology department. I once met Dean Stevens in the College office when I was but a dew-nosed sophomore. Racial differences aside, she reminded me a lot of my mother. You know, a Mary Tyler Moore type, sorta matronly goofy, but very amiable nonetheless. That being the case, I cannot believe all of the disheartening statements that have been circulating about this woman. Surely she could not have attained the position of dean if these allegations had circulated before she ascended to her current position. These attacks against her character are unwarranted, unjust and without concrete proof. They should cease. He finally killed the self-effacing act after I threw up in his coffee mug. I confessed to him that I had never had an instructor whose main criteria for passing a class was that you attend class regularly, take notes and be at least half as smart as the best student in class. (You must score at least 50 percent of the highest individual total on any exam to pass his tests.) I told him that his teaching methods were really innovative and that he brought a unique enthusiasm to a subject most undergrads would rather avoid. By the way the earth's age is 3.8 billion years. It's a frequently recurring exam question in geology. Maybe I was laying it on a bit thick, because he threw up on my micro-cassette recorder, and I knew it was time for me to go. I told him that I would be very disappointed if he didn't try for a permanent faculty position again next year. He said he would love to stay and he was considering it, but rejection was a hard thing to accept. I couldn't have agreed more. Sophomores and juniors at the University of Pennsylvania: If you have a Physical World requirement that must be fulfilled, do yourself a tremendous favor. Get a fall 1995 course guide, find G. Boyajian under Geology and do that PARIS thing. For my fellow English majors, Bivona and Camfield may be lost to us, but I hear rumors of two hot young rookies coming out of the minors. They go by the names of F. Griffin and H. Beavers. These two dynamic young educator's are a must for any English major. Hell, any university student with an open elective or two should experience from these teachers what education is all about. Lord knows if I could walk on water to keep all of them at Penn forever, I would.