COLUMN:Tale of the Eucalyptus

From Ian Blake's "Church of the Poisoned Mind," Fall '95 From Ian Blake's "Church of the Poisoned Mind," Fall '95Eucalyptus yuke'liptes-n- a yellowish green hemispherical shrub. 2.eucalyptus-adj- of or pertaining to a complete waste of timeFrom Ian Blake's "Church of the Poisoned Mind," Fall '95Eucalyptus yuke'liptes-n- a yellowish green hemispherical shrub. 2.eucalyptus-adj- of or pertaining to a complete waste of time3.eucalyptus -n- cough drops, (mentholated of course)From Ian Blake's "Church of the Poisoned Mind," Fall '95Eucalyptus yuke'liptes-n- a yellowish green hemispherical shrub. 2.eucalyptus-adj- of or pertaining to a complete waste of time3.eucalyptus -n- cough drops, (mentholated of course)4. eucalyptus -n- incoherent unexplainable life phenomena / wisdom from the mouth of a fool/ habitual daydreamer Did you ever have one of those days no, not days, a string of months where everything seems out of whack? You know, one of those periods in your life when Mars and Jupiter are both misaligned with the rest of the galaxy. Consequently, the earth of which you and I are residents is thrown off its proper universal orbital nexus. If you have ever experienced any of the above phenomena, then I know you will be able to sympathize with my present predicament. Hmmm? Where should I start, maybe last summer, during my stay in India? I went to consult with Confucius the wisest man on the earth. He lives in a cave on the highest mountain in the Himalayas. I told him all my problems, financial difficulties, female troubles, everything. He answered all of my questions in a timely thoughtful manner. After about eight hours of confession I begged leave of the ancient mystic because I was tired and mostly hungry. As I was leaving, Confucius said to me, "My son, you still seem displeased. Tell me what is troubling your mind so greatly." I turned to the old scholar and said, "It seems as I get older I don't have enough time in the day to accomplish all the things I originally set out to do. Teacher, if you could give me one piece of advice that would help me save some time in my life I would be eternally grateful." The ancient one stroked his beard for what seemed an eternity, finally, he placed his hand on my shoulder and said? ah, you really don't want to know what he said. Back to the present. When I was a young lad, I always fantasized about being a rich and famous professional basketball player or, at the very least a famous movie star. But, as I got older, those old crazy dreams just kinda' came and went. I was racing down Locust Walk last week, well not exactly racing, my substantial belly poundage sort of precludes any appreciable locomotion on my part exceeding one micrometer per hour. Anyway, I was moving at a sharp pace when I bumped into an ex-schoolmate whom I had not seen for several years. We exchanged perfunctory greetings and commenced updating each other about our respective lives. He told me, he was visiting his girl (she works in the Franklin Building). I asked him how he had been occupying his time between intervals. He said he was going to try out for a semi-pro basketball team in Florida in a couple of weeks. I asked him if anything had turned up in the accounting field after he graduated from Lincoln University. I'm sure he heard my emphasis on graduation because he looked away from me for a couple of seconds and seemed to be formulating his next thought. Whenever I ask someone a "truth or dare" question, I generally already know about 75 percent of the answer. I usually wait to see if the inquisitioned are going to complete my answer, or do a 180 and lie too me. I knew that he had been dismissed from Lincoln for academic reasons two years prior, but mentioning this was just not the cool thing to do. It's part of the code from the old neighborhood. Never showcase a "homeboys" personal life especially when it's taken a downturn for the worse. We were never close companions in school, but we played on the basketball team together, so I guess that produced some type of bond between us. Besides he had always been straight with me. "E, I got my degree, worked at a firm for a couple of years but basketball is still in my blood, I gotta give it one last shot." After he lied to me, I was deflated spiritually, but I kept up a cheerful outward countenance. I thought for a second, now it was my turn to lie. I told him I understood how things were and that he shouldn't worry, he was a good ball player and he would probably make the team, another lie. Truth be told, he wasn't that good, but my affinity for him kept me from speaking my mind. I look back on that day and I wish we had been enemies because it would have been much easier for me to tell him what I really thought, you know snap him out of that bout of "eucalyptic fantasy" he's been living in since we were kids. Anyway, as I was saying before, there was a time when I thought I was going to be a rich and famous professional basketball player. That was before Confucius shined his light on me, and before Gimbel. I was running up and down the basketball court at Gimbel gymnasium last fall, actually I was doing that micrometer locomotion thing again when I looked down and suddenly realized, that my belly was obscuring my view of my sneakers and the gym floor. I decided at that exact moment, my life-long dream of becoming a professional basketball player had been a complete waste of time. From that moment on I decided that the thespian stage was the only logical path for a handsome man of my many talents. Who needs the N.B.A or an Ivy League degree, Hollywood here I come! Friend, that's my story. I hope you learned something from it, I know I did. Well, I gotta go! What was that? Oh yes Confucius' advice. "Confucius say in order to save more time in day, never wash hands after using bathroom." To the entire Penn community, have a great Spring Break.