DP Swamis

Since our undefeated and inevitable Ivy League Champion Quakers play in New York this weekend, we decided to catch some tourist attractions on our vacation in the Big Apple. Of course we realize we should be scouting Penn's challenging opponent for tomorrow, but then again it is only Columbia. Columbia sucks. This knowledge is known throughout the nation, and especially to those who remember that today is the 10th anniversary of the the last Lion win before the beginning of Columbia's NCAA-record 44 consecutive losses. Columbia sucks, so we decided to not waste our time scouting such a worthless school. Our first stop, therefore, was at Planet Hollywood since we were famished from our long ride on the magic carpet from West Philadelphia. The Hard Rock Cafe knockoff opened at 11:30 in the morning, since it is a Friday. After we devoured our overpriced hamburgers, we took up the topic of Ivy League football with our hostess. Although Carroll Serena claimed to know nothing about the wonders of the greatest league in the NCAA, which of course is known as the Ancient Eight, she did know enough to pick Penn to destroy the hapless Lions. We Swamis were satisfied, so we ventured off to the second most popular tourist attraction in the city, the Empire State Building. Laura Fries, our very helpful guide through such a tall building, told us more than we ever cared to know about the landmark. It was interesting, however, to note that this attraction was built ahead of schedule and under budget, so it was obviously not built by Columbia graduates. "I have no idea about Ivy League football," Fries admitted. "Columbia will lose, that much I do know. I'll pick Penn." Although Fries may be modest, she obviously knows her facts when it comes to the mighty, mighty Lions – they suck. Finally, after our return to the Pink Palace, we realized that the trip was really for naught. After the National League playoffs, everyone should realize that the masters of building champions are in Philadelphia – the Phillies and our own beloved Quakers. After a 20-minute wait, Kelly Eddeddario, who was probably still a little hung over after celebrating the Phillies' victory, explained the long delay. "Don't you realize we won the National League Championship yesterday?" she snarled. Duh. Regardless of her rudeness, we Swamis still demanded to know who would win tomorrow. After she so ignorantly chose the Lions to win their first Ivy contest of the season, there was no point in listening to her other ill-informed picks. Even if the Phillies do not realize the greatness of the Quakers, we Swamis definitely realize that Columbia is pathetic. Trust the New Yorkers –Ethey have seen them play for years.