COLUMN: "Campaign '92: Pop Go The Weasels"

From Nathaniel Cade's "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock," Fall '92 The incredible, the unbelievable, the inexcusable Presidential 3 Posse: George "Mack Daddy" Bush, Bill "Wrap My Willy" Clinton -- and their D.J., back after quitting the group earlier this summer, "Flip-Flop" Ross Perot. So let's listen in on their new rap single and remember to cast our ballots for our favorite "Posse" member on November 3! · "Flip-Flop" Ross Perot "Now I want all of the white males to put your hands together and say, 'Go Mack Daddy -- Go Mack Daddy -- Go!'" George "Mack Daddy" Clinton "I'm the Mack, your leader, Mr. Bush, Helping you with this economy thing. Sure it's bad, but could be worse -- If you allow the evils that Billy brings! "I battled Gorby, to the end Beat the crap outta' Saddam. Went to war in the Big One, and didn't dodge questions on Vietnam. "I've been President for four years -- I know I can do more. And who do you want for your veep, Little Danny-boy or Senator Al Gore? "I was once Vice President, And on Iran, I was in the know. I've been trying to educate y'all On why Jesse Jackson's gotta go. "That Rodney King thing was not good -- In fact, it was quite sad. But you know, he did resist arrest And that was bad -- very bad. "L.A. was burned and looted Total destruction of the stores. I promise if I get re-elected, The same will happen for four more. "Anita Benita Hill was chilled, Grilled by my boys on Capitol Hill. Yes, I'm a family values man, An RU-486 won't replace the Pill. "This is the 'Year of the Woman,' So I hope you go and choose. But remember what I said before -- I hope they all lose. "If I am re-elected by majority vote, Neil Bush will help ease the pain As FDIC chair he'll show bravado -- Besides, who even remembers Silverado? "So, Flip-Flop give me a cut so I can show the electorate just how hip I am!" "Flip-Flop" Ross Perot "Mack, before I proceed to give a scratch, You missed something in our Presidential match. I hear talk of evils Willy will bring, But you don't have a handle on this deficit thing. "If you were to head a major company, They would fire a man like you, Because you have leveraged our position And have no clue on what to do. "Now, all the ladies out there, I want y'all to scream 'Please wrap your Willy Billy! Please wrap your Willy Billy! Please, Billy Billy, Please!'" Bill "Wrap My Willy" Clinton "Mack, you've had your four years. Four more is too much time. Now shut your conservative-ass up, So I can kick my-pimp-style-rhyme. "I did read your lips -- And believe me it wasn't easy -- Your Republican "family values" Are lame and make me queasy. "But I'll give you credit that You are a family-man, high and above -- Anyone who can sleep next to Barbara Must be in desperate need for love! "If I am elected next week, I can promise the husbands one thing: To the JFK/Marilyn Monroe bedroom, Your wife, I will bring? "I skipped the Vietnam draft -- This I will not even debate -- But you, Mack, were in Skull & Bones, And they made you ritually masturbate. "You lied about Iran, You lied about Iraq -- You even tried to deny, That Danny Q. bought crack Cocaine, that is "Bush speaks of my lack of trust, As if Character is a must. I'll surround myself with brilliant minds And I won't let the banks go bust. "They say I look like Elvis -- Trust me, the King is dead -- But that Priscilla Presley is someone I wouldn't mind taking to bed. "We need national health insurance, Our medical costs are way-too-high. I swear to God I didn't inhale -- Besides, why would I lie? "I didn't lie about Gennifer. She was my trusted aide (Who made sure every weekend -- That her boss got paid!) "Flip-Flop, get ready to scratch While I show these rich idiots How well I can tax!" "Flip-Flop" Ross Perot "See now, we begin to have doubt About what Bill Clinton is all about? "Arkansas is irrelevant, It just doesn't matter. You don't hit one home run, And call yourself the greatest batter! "I did say "tar baby" on T.V., I will admit I am guilty. But you people need to chill And stop taking me so seri-ously. "Before this rap ends, On one thing you can depend: I didn't run to incur debt, Nor for any Vietnam vets. "PACs have not helped campaign reform Because the rules are way-too-lax -- Therefore, my campaign is actually deductible, And I owe no income tax! "PEACE!" Nathaniel Cade is a senior Economics and Political Science major from Detroit, Michigan. "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock" appears alternate Thursdays.