Acting professionally

Last week, our sister paper the Columbia Spectator ran a fun column comparing the Ivy League basketball programs to Rock & Roll bands.

I'm not going to try to agree or disagree with him since music isn't exactly my subject. (Although I can tell the difference between good music and bad music if that counts for anything.)

So I figured I'd go with something a little bit more in my neighborhood and offer up my comparisons with professional sports teams.

Brown: Oakland Athletics
What do Mulder, Damon, etc. have in common with Glen Miller? Start to get a good thing going in the small market town and then leave for the titles and the $$.

Columbia: New York Knicks
Not just because they both happen to ball in a city that produced exactly zero of the ESPN 150 basketball recruits. Talking about the Knicks pre-Zeke, both have fans that are the biggest trash talkers around, and both have a nice round number of championships in the last three decades. Also considered: Ottawa Senators for the perennial "this is their year" talk and the perennial "this isn't their year" results.

Cornell: Pittsburgh Penguins
How could you not use a pucks comparison at Hockey U.? Both have struggled for what's seemed like an eternity, have all the young pieces in place, but might be just a year away.

Also considered: Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who might be a little more than a year away.

Dartmouth: Kansas City Royals
They used to be great, but anybody of my generation (or in Dartmouth's case, the previous generation) would have to read that glory in a book. If people of my generation still read books.

Harvard: Seattle Mariners
Have been the homes of some of their league's best individual talents recently, but have done absolutely nothing as a team.

Also considered: Detroit Lions for, until this month, the "How does he still have a job?" reaction for Sullivan/Millen.

Also also considered: Colorado Rockies, Seattle Mariners again, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Texas Rangers, Washington Nationals, Houston Astros, Milwaukee Brewers, San Diego Padres, St. Louis Blues, Buffalo Sabres, Vancouver Canucks (for the next two months), Washington Capitals, Florida Panthers, Los Angeles Kings, Ottawa Senators, Atlanta Thrashers, Nashville Predators, Columbus Blue Jackets, Minnesota Wild, San Jose Sharks, Phoenix Coyotes, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers, San Diego Chargers, Seattle Seahawks, Tennessee Titans, Arizona Cardinals, Detroit Lions again, Cleveland Browns, New Orleans Saints, Jacksonville Jaguars, Houston Texans, Phoenix Suns, New Jersey Nets, Dallas Mavericks, Indiana Pacers, Orlando Magic, Toronto Raptors, Charlotte Bobcats, Cleveland Cavaliers, Denver Nuggets, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets and Minnesota Timberwolves for never winning a league title.

Penn: Atlanta Braves
And we're talking about the 1991-2005 Braves. Always get there, never win in the playoffs. But the big difference is that if they played NCAA Tournament games at the Palestra, Penn might sell them out.

Also considered: New York Yankees, Colorado Avalanche, Detroit Red Wings, New England Patriots for their sheer dominance of their divisions.

Princeton: New Jersey Devils
And not just because that's what Penn fans call the Tigers regularly. While nobody's accusing Princeton of ruining basketball the way people have the Devils, the similarities are too plentiful to ignore. Both have been extremely successful with a gimmicky system, trying to slow the game down. In the process, both have made their sports nearly unwatchable -- Princeton to a much lesser extent. And other than one player (Zach Woolridge/Scott Gomez) both are total whitewashes.

Also considered: Boston Celtics and Oakland Raiders -- Historically great franchises that have fallen on some hard times lately.

Yale: Boston Red Sox
If only the Ivy League had a Wild Card spot too.