I'm smarter than you and you...

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Note: This post was written for the DP's annual joke issue.

Remember back when I told you about why I get all the interviews. About how I was a Rhodes Scholar finalist and the second-most-famous White House intern of all time.

I don't mean to brag, but I was just getting started.

In addition to my skills on the court, few people know that I have written several best-selling novels. Ever hear of John Grisham? It's just my dog's name followed by my street name.

Remember Fermat's last theorem. The proof that won a million dollars? Steve Danley's fifth-grade science fair project. Think Al Gore invented the Internet? No, that's just what happens when you leave your doors unlocked and there are vice presidents hanging around.

And don't believe all that stuff about how I got a 1570 or whatever on my SATs. Give me a break. They don't let the guy who wrote the tests take the tests.

When our team breaks bread together to watch an NBA game, all the Mr. 1050s on our team can thank Mr. 1570 that they even get to watch. Not only did I negotiate all the TV contracts for my man D-money Stern, but he checks with me on everything he does right down to the ban on those flaming tights the guys wear.

So next time you use a cable modem, need a favor done at the UN or for some reason, read one of my seven doctoral dissertations, you'll know exactly why I get picked to write this stuff.

And that's the marinara sauce on your spaghetti.