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Satire  Published 01/22/18 7:41am

​Freshman Has an Internship at Google but Always Pees on the Toilet Seat

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Photo by Saksham Choudhary / CC0


Kyle Mallard (E ’21) astonished his professors and peers when he nabbed a coveted research internship at Google for this summer. But his achievement is even more impressive when you consider that he almost always pees on the toilet seat.

Kyle’s research on neural networks and machine learning has appeared in prominent journals. He’s even presented at several conferences. Yet Kyle gets at least a few drops of urine on the toilet seat every time he urinates.

Kyle’s work has advanced artificial intelligence significantly. “Put simply, I research how we can make robots learn,” he said. “Hopefully, I can learn how to pee in the toilet in the process.”

One would think that given Kyle’s aptitude for mathematics and quantitative analysis, he could calculate the optimal angle to get his urine in the bowl. Nonetheless, he struggles. “The stream gets weaker over time, so you’d have to be Albert Einstein to not get any on the seat,” Kyle said.

Miranda Lopez lives on Kyle’s hall in the Quad and uses the same gender-neutral bathroom as him. “I have sat in puddles of Kyle’s piss dozens of times this semester,” she said.

Kyle and Miranda’s whole hall was excited when they heard the news about the internship. “Where was I when he got the internship? Probably wiping his piss off my upper thighs,” she said.

Miranda is excited for Kyle and his opportunity as a Google intern. “I hope he develops an app that lifts the fucking seat up,” she said.

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