Satire  Published 09/05/17 1:52am

Wharton Freshman Already Lines Up Junior Year Internship


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The fall semester has just started, and that means that recruiting season is upon us. In the next few months, hundreds of Penn undergraduates will be selling their souls to companies like Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and any other combination of two Jewish surnames. 

While most Penn students are worried about the internship that they’re going to get before their last year of high school, Wharton freshman Chris Wang is relieved knowing that this is an issue he will not need to face any time soon. Reports indicate that Wang, who just moved into his Quad single two days ago, has already secured an internship for his junior year.

“It’s always good to get started early,” said Wang. “I flew into Penn from my hometown in Ohio about 7 times a year starting in my sophomore year of high school, just to get a head start on OCR. Thankfully, after sending out over 100,000 resumes and connecting with thousands of recruiters on LinkedIn, it’s finally paid off!”

Wang will reportedly be working in some big finance job in New York, where he will be performing a lot of supposedly interesting finance-related tasks. “I’m excited to be working in the financial hedge fund venture equity industry, getting lots of experience with private macro capitals,” the freshman said, as he proceeded to state 50 other finance-related terms that he claims he’ll be working with.

When asked which department he will be working in, Wang said he was unsure. “Oh, you know, the basics probably. M&A, S&T, PB&J, A&W, all the good stuff.”

Thankfully, Wang does not need to be too concerned about his specific placement. With this incredible burden no longer afflicting him, he can now focus on more important things like which suit to wear for his first management presentation.

In terms of jobs, however, Wang is taking it easy. All he’s doing now is making sure he gets involved in all the pre-professional clubs he can, so that he can hopefully secure a full-time employment offer by November.

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