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Satire  Published 11/14/17 12:53am

Senior Quits All Extracurriculars So He Can Finally Have Control of His Facebook Profile

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Photo by Alexandra Fleischman / The Daily Pennsylvanian


College senior Joseph Peralta did the unthinkable. “I quit every single club I’m involved in. My tech incubator, my consulting club, all six of my A Cappella groups. Every. Single. One.”

Though most students cite stress as a reason to lighten their extracurricular load, Peralta was adamant that this is not the case. “It’s my senior year; It’s about time I had control over my own Facebook profile,” explained Peralta. “If my mom stopped monitoring my Facebook in ninth grade, why should the marketing director of the Wharton West Philadelphia Technology Initiative get to monitor my profile when I’m a senior in college?”

So far, many students have applauded Peralta for his bold move. “I wish I had the guts to do something like that,” said Engineering sophomore Jackson Smith. “Do you know how badly I want to make my cover photo a nondescript beach picture from my Spring break in Cabo? Instead I’m stuck with the same photoshopped promotion for my fraternity’s fall philanthropy event as everyone else in my pledge class. When that’s over, I have to change it to the cover photo for my Management 100 team’s event. It never ends.”

“I will never link my friends to a Facebook event I’m allegedly hosting but won’t actually show up to ever again,” said Peralta. “My profile picture will be a photo of me. No logos, no eye-catching effects, just me and the otters from the Monterey Bay aquarium that I visited last summer. I plan to post minimally, and if I do post, it will have nothing to do with a late night hosted at Greek Lady.”

Surprisingly, the leader’s of Peralta’s clubs weren’t too concerned about his departure. “His posts barely got any likes. We’re better off without him. I’m honestly curious to see how those pictures from his semester abroad in Cape Town perform,” said Kerry Simmons, President of 800 Degrees Consulting. “Using social media for social purposes? Best of luck.”

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